There were signs

I should have seen the depression coming back.  The signs were all there, thumping me down all the way.    I haven't slept well in about a week, my self depreciating humor and self destructive tendencies were rising, and overall sad was creeping to the front of my brain.

Tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Right before I left work I realized it.  I was trying to force it away, but it won't.  I have to deal with it.  Tonight I've cooked, baked brownies and am doing laundry.  I was hoping acting domesticated would help.  It's not.  Instead I'm cursing the asshole who took all the washers so now I'll be up until midnight drying my clothes.

I'm not sure if there was any trigger, but Sue Bee thinks it's H.  Sure he's a part of it, but this time I think I've been working so hard on being untrue to myself to "fit in" that I'm coming apart at the seams.  He's the one person I'm 100% honest with, granted I may avoid certain subjects with him, I've never directly bold face lied to him.

I'm also very tired.  Friday will be 90 days in TX and I have 30 more to go.  Our work is twindling yet the need to keep us all seems very prominent.  I'm bored all the time, which makes my mind wander.  I want to be home with my 3 little people.  I want my friends and family.  I want my own bed.  Instead I try to think of a website I can safely surf at work or online window shop.  I fill those carts up but never click purchase, I need more clothes and shoes like I need another hole in my head.

I worry about my interview.  What if I don't get the call this week with a new salary offer?  What if I wasn't good enough, then what?  My boss and I have a plan laid out, but it's still going to be hard to take.

I worry about turning 35.  I'm starting to finally feel my age.  I don't look it, which is nice, but I sure as heck feel it.  I can only hang out with 25 yr olds for so long before I have to tap out and stay in. I'm starting to notice a generation gap, I shake my head at their loose morals and even looser work ethic.  Does no one value working hard anymore?

I'm also trying to come to terms with my body and who I am.  I know deep down I could offer some guy the world if only they would see past my fat.  No one does though.  Society trains us to look for the most desirable mate, and I know fat girl is not desirable.  I need to change but the motivation is so extremely lacking.  Staying fat is a great guard against being hurt.  Yet it also defeats all the work I do on trying to find a healthy relationship and avoid the guys who are bad for me and part of my past.  I have to stop my self destructive tendencies, yet eating is the one I refuse to give up.  I cannot deal with food as simply fuel for my body.  Food is my everything and it has become apparent to me it's my kryptonite.  The one thing that can derail me faster than you can blink.

Maybe I need to think harder about losing weight and less about being nice to people I don't like.  Maybe it's time to go back to thinking only about me.  I talk to everyone else about situational friendships so why am I investing in several.  It's time to get selfish and worry about only me.  Only I can fix my brain.