Wicked Wednesday

No this baby most certainly does not have a death grip on her burp rag!

Today was just another day in paradise.  Annoying girl went on a bender this morning.  HOLY MOLY can she talk; about anything and everything.  I was so happy when she was gone by the time I got back from lunch.  She has a dr's appt and got to leave early.  The next 22 hours will be blissful without her!

This afternoon was so boring until I attended the world's worst conference call.  I was ashamed to even be part of the committee it went so poorly.  Thankfully we had a feedback session and I, of course, didn't hold back.  I almost feel that I was too harsh, but damn, we look like fools.  And this was to 3 teams within my section, this is a large impact on many people who probably feel the project is a joke.  I feel like I'm going to have to do some damage control to rectify this whole situation.  The worst part is my mentee gave a portion of the presentation.  Every time something like this happens I feel like I fail as a mentor.  He is a reflection of me, and I have no idea how to reign him in.  He told me he was so nervous he puked before the call.  REALLY!  It's not that big of a deal, it's talking to 20 people on a phone call.  This kids stupidity never ceases to amaze me.

Tonight I had a realization it was time to go home.  I had to go to Target for some allergy meds.  I didn't even look around.  I just went in, got my pills, and came home.  I'm pretty sure this has never ever happened in the history of me being able to shop.  I'm so done.  I constantly feel fatigued.  I know some of this is in my mind but physically I'm wiped out.  According to my fitbit I've been waking up 10+ times a night.  This cannot be good.  

3 more TX sleeps, 1 sleep in IA and then HOME

Terminating Tuesday

Today was my final Tuesday in the office.  I have 33 hours to go and I know I can make it through.  Annoying girl is leaving tomorrow so my final 2 days will be quite glorious.  I cannot wait to be done with all of it.

H came back to Dallas tonight and his first stop was to get me.  I was flattered until I saw his face when I got in the truck.  Turns out after he successfully got his court issues handled, he found out some truly horrible information about his baby momma and how his daughter is being raised.  As a friend I'm always there to listen, and that's all I really could do.  I have no idea how to respond.  He kept asking me to say something, to be honest, to just provide feedback and I couldn't.  The mother is a huge addict, she lives with her mother who barely controls anything, and H can't afford to go to court to fight custody.  Although at this point I think the mother would give up her rights.  It's become very clear to him that she's not doing any mothering.  I just keep wondering how to help.  I realize I might not be able to help, all I can do is listen.  I hope that's enough.

4 more TX sleeps, 1 in IA then home sweet glorious home.  I just told my sissy I'm baby napping Chels!

Memorial Monday

I so wish I had been with the kiddos today.  Look at how happy they are!  Instead I lounged around the pool here, did some laundry and read Catching Fire.  I also picked up a wicked sunburn from my last 45 min outside later this afternoon.  I did not think about sitting in front of the lobby windows, but I'm sure the reflection is what kicked up my burn.  My shoulders are on fire, but no blistering yet.  I think this is a good sign.  Hopefully by tomorrow it won't be so hot and if I do peel it'll be next week when I'm home and I can deal with looking like a snake shedding it's skin.

5 more sleeps in TX, 1 in IA and then I'm home!!

Sunday Shopping Day

The Twins enjoying the beach at Gaga's house!

 Can you tell she has a 100 fever?  Yeah me either!

Today has been pretty good.  It's amazing how much you can enjoy a Sunday when you know you still have tomorrow to get things done.  Andrea and I went shopping at the outlets today.  We made it all the way around in 2 hrs before we both lost it.  Way too many American stereotypes were out and we were gonna punch someone's baby.  We had a lovely lunch as well.  TX may be the home of chain restaurants, thankfully it's a lot of the really good ones.

I also got a pedi today by the worlds most OCD nail tech.  He was fabulous and I think you could hold a level to my toes to test how straight the nails are.  Of course I would find him 6 days before I leave.  Oh well, I'm sure I'll be back eventually.

Tonight I've started to pack up some things.  Not too much, but just some little bits and bobs that I won't need and it clears up some of the clutter.  Now I should find some dinner, but I just can't muster the energy.  I have plenty of frozen dinners, but Pei Wei or Cheesecake factory sounds so much better.  I also should go to the store to get my ingredients to duplicate Cane's sauce.  I meant to do it last night, but dinner with friends was much more appealing.  My co-worker and I are convinced it has to be easy so we are determined to find out.

Mirror image twins

oh ya know just laying around in my groovy Batman shirt

I have to admit that I didn't do one work related productive thing today.  I did finish my newsletter for a committee I'm on but I did nothing else.  It was glorious.  I don't even feel guilty for not working that's how checked out I am.  This evening we started discussing flash mobs and how we could pull one off in our office environment.  Yes, that is how slow/bored we have become.  It would be awesome if we could manage.

Most of the day was spent gossiping about everything in general.  There is one girl we'll call RHS (red headed slut and no it's not her natural hair color) who is instigating a lot.  I don't care for her and I've made that very known.  I've been warned about this girl for a long time.  Now she has the hots for Clint and has started to spread some very unsavory rumors about him.  It's not that they aren't true, but gossip like that just isn't necessary.  The best part is that her confidante is walking around spreading rumors about her and how hot she is for Clint, so most of what she says is out of jealousy.  I seriously think work has become a copy of a Sweet Valley High novel.

In happy thoughts, I'm going out with Anne and Clint for dinner tonight.  I'm excited as it's at one of my favorite restaurants Pappasitos.  I'm looking forward to some laughs and really yummy food. Bring on the seafood enchiladas.

55 hrs to Go

Please note I can bake!

BAM!

I'm really starting to think I need anger management, or just out of TX.  I am so over being at work and dealing with any bullshit.  It really is just that simple.  I am done.  I know I still have 5 more days or 55 hours to work, but I need help staying on task.  I'm trying so hard not to check out.  Thank goodness a holiday weekend means a light work load.  Maybe I'll wake up with some motivation tomorrow.

Today was a weird day personally.  My mom was diagnosed with shingles, my dad finally stood up to his boss and took vacation and Chelsea got her 4month shots.  My sis said she didn't cry, she just opened her mouth into a perfect O and turned really red.  It was as if she was saying, why, how, why?  I wasn't naughty, I'm angel baby, why with the needle?  My poor Chelsea Boo, I wish I was there to take care of her.  My sister keeps joking she'll have Chels on my doorstep when I get home next Sunday afternoon.

Tonight was just a typical Friday.  Got some Raising Canes, watched bride shows, and did my nails.  All in all perfection to me.  Now I think it's time to crawl into bed and watch some Friends.  I am in desperate need of some extra sleep.  I woke up in a panic this morning and I'm not sure why.  It's been an unsettling feeling all day.

BAM!

Today has been a most frustrating day.  I've been working very hard on maintaining a positive attitude but I am just over it.  I'm tired of listening to Clint's drama.  I told him so today and he accused me of being crabby and secretly liking it.  I really don't.  He's cheating on his girlfriend with a coworker who's cheating on her husband.  This is so not cool.  Now i'm not one to judge, but he's also leading on 3 other women, 1 of whom he's also slept with.  I constantly remind him that your work reputation should precede you not your personal actions.  He just laughs it off, so when this crashes and burns I'm going to be the one laughing.

I have another coworker I cannot stand but he's on my permanent team.  He's a total momma's boy and whines to our boss all the time.  Today I made a quick call to her and found he had beat me to it, but not for the same reasons.  Now he has answers that I already knew, and I still have nothing to mine.  Oh well, I'm patient and can handle waiting much more than he can.  Oh to be 23 again and my first job to boot.  I just really want to punch him.  BAM! right in the kisser, then BAM! to the side of the head BAM BAM BAM.  I'm sure if I started to hit him I wouldn't be able to stop, and then it's off to jail for me.

The highlights of today have been the twins.  Hands down they've become little people in the last 10 days.  They've started to speak in small sentences and understand what you are saying very well.  They are just so funny too.  I cannot wait to go home and take them to Gaga's house and swim in the lake, go to the Children's Museum to see the Curious George exhibit and the grand finale the zoo!  Auntie will for sure need extra sleep and caffeine on those days, but it will totally be worth it.

Modeling the new dinosaur fabric for squishy pillow

waiting for Mommy to make breakfast.

I haz a sad

I do NOT want to be back in TX.  Everything I was thankful for yesterday is gone and all the drama is back.  I hadn't even gotten off the plane and Clint started texting me.  Turns out he was on the plane next to me and both were waiting for another to leave.  Anyways, he was already texting 2 girls who create more drama than I even care about.  He never did come into work, which makes me look responsible, yet stupid.  Oh well I have to do what I know is right, not what I want.  The office was the same, annoying girl had really upped her ante of being annoying and I just don't know what I can and cannot handle.  Right now it feels like nothing.  I'm contemplating what kind of illness I can contract so I can just go home.

I found out that I don't have to work on Memorial Day.  Most people would be excited about this, I'm ticked as I lose a day worked and don't get a sub holiday.  Not fair!  The thing that bugs me most is I wasn't asked if I did or did not want to work.  This job is about choices and I highly dislike having mine taken away from me.

I can honestly say that sitting in this hotel room I can feel the waves of depression crashing down on me.  I am having such a hard time coping with the last month here.  I so want to go home and just escape.  I realized while being gone that I missed nothing about being down here.  I never gave anything a second thought.  The only contact I had was with H and that was him not me.  He seems to be keeping his resolve about staying in my life.  I'm still not sure what I want to do about this or how to handle it.  He'll be back in a couple days and I'm hoping it's not going to make me miserable.

AND in other fun news my debbie downer has been actively texting me again.  Monday it was she broke up with her "boyfriend", yesterday it was to watch Donald Driver on DWTS, today it was about some random dude we used to work with.  I've deleted all of them without any reply.  I'm not sure how long it's going to take her to get the hint.  I am so not cool with being her friend anymore.  She has nothing to offer my life, nor I do hers.  I can guarantee I would not share with her anything in my life, cause if I had wanted to, wouldn't I have by now.  I've been working on getting this person out of my life for over a year.  I'm sooooo close to succeeding.  I've debated about deleting her number from my phone and unfriend on FB.  I haven't yet, but she's no longer a part of my newsfeed and it makes it so much better to just check in on her when I want.

AND my ex texted me today.  I wish he would just go away as well.  I've done the same on FB and texting with him.  I'm so over that stupid drama.  He never makes me feel good about myself, and I can honestly say I've not contacted him in almost a year.  Yay me.

I think it's time for bed, and none too soon.  I'm so over this day.

Lovely

Man am I going to miss those babies, and all the cuddles that come with them.  Thankfully once I arrive back in TX tomorrow it's only 10-12 sleeps before I get back home.  It's a manageable amount but I still don't want to go.  I just want to stay home.  I received an email today indicating I might have Memorial Day off, but I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I'd rather work and stay busy vs wasting a day off.  I guess it gives me another day to work on my tan.

Instead of being any more negative I'd like to list all the lovely things about today:

the lilacs outside my living room window.  It's like a built in plug in.  My house smells amazing

not having to do my hair

baking cookies because I wanted

eating chips and cheese and mashed avocado for dinner

the beautiful weather

being able to sit on my tiny patio, read my book and not sweat to death or get super sunburnt

my oven, I forgot how much I love it!  Totes worth the small fortune I spent on it

my new cleaning solution; equal parts blue dawn dish soap and hot vinegar.  My shower is sparkling!

my craft room, I've organized for so many things to be done when I get home.  Thanks Pinterest

Fluffy towels, hotel towels blow

Big Bang marathons.  oh how I love me some Sheldon

My DVR, even though it didn't tape half my shows I still have some cleaning out to do

There is one thing I hate today and that's my braces.  I got tighter chains yesterday and I have to start wearing one very annoying rubber band.  This rubber band is the tiniest thing I have ever seen and it's super thick.  The way I wear it constantly makes my teeth hurt, and I can barely open my mouth when it's in.  Talking is somewhat challenging.  I can hardly wait to adjust to answering the phones with it in.  Beauty is pain, right?!

Monday Funday

What a great day. Shopping with the BFF, mainly for shows. Oh sweet glorious shoes. I finally purchased a pair of Tori Burch sandals I've coveted for years and some basic white tennis shoes. I also picked up some clothes. I slowly have to start replacing some of my very worn out items.

After shopping and lunch we went back to casa de BFF and played with the twins. Even when they are crabby they are the best kids. I cannot get over how much they've grown in 4 weeks. Talking toddling running jumping hugging kissing yelling laughing. I love every second of it. Just so much fun!!

Baby Whisperer

It would appear as an auntie I'm still the favorite place to take a nap

11.5

That's how much sleep I got last night and I feel fantastic! Well I did until I started getting busy around the house.

I made the worlds longest trip to Target. It was impossible to get across the river today. What normally takes 20 min ended up being 1 hr! Not happy, bit I did have a great trip to my mothership Target. There's nothing like going to "your" Target

Once I got home I grilled, prepped all my food for tomorrow, made individual pineapple upside down cakes, fruit dip, washed all my bedding and clothes, cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed. I'm super tired and I still need to go switch loads and re-assemble my bed. Yuck!!

I'm glad I had a lot to do this evening. I talked to H while I was trying to cross the river. He shared with me his success of a one night stand, at least I think it is. This man is such a hypocrite. I've known this for a while but we JUST talked about this on Wed night and he all but called me a whore for having had a couple. Now it's apparently ok for him to go do the same and me to not ask any questions. The best part was when he told me that his Missy kept texting and calling while he was "busy". He asked me if women had a 6th sense and I said we do. We know when sex is being had that should involve us. He laughed but I really think we do! To be honest his karma deserves this.

I'm still struggling with his rejection and trying to be his friend and supportive at the same time. I'm not sure I really need to do any of this. I have to think about what role I want him to play in my life. In 14 days he won't be present anymore. I'll be happily back home and he'll still be in TX. It's a lot to think about, so instead I'm going to go to bed.

If you need me

I'll be kissing this baby for the next 2 days

You shouldn't cry at Hooters

When I told H he could pick a restaurant last night I should have known it would be Hooters.  He's wanted wings for almost two weeks now.  What I didn't expect was to be sitting there surrounded by men and cute young thing waitresses wiping away tears.

H and I broke down some more of my barriers last night.  I told him all about my daddy issues.  How I stopped relying on a man who was never there when I was 12 yrs old singing a solo at my schools spring concert.  How I lived with a man who expected perfection and I now do the same.  It's amazing how much I am my father's daughter.  It's quite scary as I think I'm living the life he would have if he'd never met my mom.

The other big issue we tackled is how I can enjoy being in power.  How much I love to have control and be able to tell others how I want things done.  The joy and exhileration I get feeds my ego more than almost anything.  He find this very very ugly.  He doesn't understand.  He finds it belittling and petty.

There is a lot of comparison to his boss that he just left and myself.  I'm constantly told I'm the younger version of her.  This upsets me as I don't think I'm as mean as she is.  She exercises her authority in a very unjudicious way.  H found it horribly upsetting and I feel he's comparing us apples to apples when I think we are more apple to pear.

The only thing I could compare this to in his life is how selfish I think he is when he tells me I live in his world.  He didn't see the correlation.  He doesn't believe it's selfish, he finds it self preserving.  When I told him that's how I feel about being in control he couldn't believe it.  We both find our strengths very unappealing.

It felt good to get a lot of this out and in the open to him.  There's still a whole nother dark side to me that he doesn't know, that I refuse to show him.  Only my BFF and Sue-bee truly get my self destructive behavior.  I don't know if I can even really explain it to him.  It goes so much deeper than a girl who makes bad sexual choices and can't control her eating.  I don't think he's ready to see my dark and twisty side.  At least not yet.

Seriously

The closer it gets to going home the crabbier I am getting. Today Clint accosted me with stories before I even got to work. He kept it up all day. I'm seriously worn out. I wish I had double sided headphones so I could drown him out more.

Then H starts in on the very minute amount of nerves I have. I asked him to pick me up after work at 7 and he had the audacity to tell me to remind him!!! It was 4 on when I asked so let's do that math shall we? I just stopped responding and at 6:30 he texted if 7:45 was good. I'm still waiting for him to get here and have to consciously remind myself to unclench my teeth.

I'm trying to be a good friend but my patience is being tested. I can tell its time to go home. I've hit my my capacity in dealing with people and their bullshit. I'm hoping for a nice evening out with lots of beer to help me relax a bit more. If I don't someone needs to start saying prayers for those sitting near me tomorrow.

Pinterest Wisdom

Today I don't really have any words, but I'd like to share some that have been inspiring to me.  Thank goodness for Pinterest, it really does help me work through what's troubling.  There's always a quote to make me feel better, or aptly describe what I can't say.

Happy Mother's Day

I may never be a mom and I'm ok with that.  I have some of the best mom's in my life.  2 of them gave me the 3 most precious little people in my life.  I cannot wait to get home next weekend and celebrate with them.

Epiphany Vs Revelation

epiphany is from an inside force.
revelation is from an outside force.

I've had both today.  It's been a very enlightening.  I was discussing the events of some texting with H to my BFF and it very suddenly dawned on me he behaves like my dad.  These are not traits I find attractive either.  It's some of the things that make me dislike my father so much.  I cannot stand when others don't value your time, won't commit to something because they are waiting for something better to come along, and who are late once they finally decide your idea is worth their time.  It's all very disrespectful to me.

I called my mom and told her and she emphatically agreed.  H angers me just like my dad does to my mom.  The craziest thing is that I am so like my dad, with the exception of those 3 traits.  My mom also pointed out that most women are attracted to men like their fathers.  Again this is fascinating because my first thought when meeting H was how masculine he seemed.  I was in need of someone new in my life at that time, and he was so opposite of everyone I had been spending time with.  Crazy how that probably wasn't it at all, yet I cannot nail down what the attraction was.  He's nothing and everything like my dad.

All of this is a lot to take in.  I'm not sure how to react or if I even need to react.  I certainly know how to better handle him, although I've been doing it for a long time.  I try to ignore him or try not to react to him.  Feeding the ego really does make it worse.   Funny how hindsight is 20/20, I wish I had known this 100 days ago.  This deployment would have been so much smoother.

Maybe my lesson here is to get back to basics.  I need to focus on the actual things bothering me and not try to blame it on everything else.

You mean you've never seen a flashing strawberry before?

Oh ya know, just laying here being cute and stuff.

F it Friday

I see you Auntie 

Today was nothing to write home about.  I struggled to talk all day.  I did as little work as possible, which lead to everyone whining to me.  I am so over being everyone else's sounding board.  Do not mistake me being mute for me actually caring!

Today was H's last day at work and of course he couldn't go out without a fight.  His TM is a beast, there's no nice way to say it and she made sure he knew she was in charge.  He had to stay until almost 5pm, which is not normal.  When you get released you get to go early, everyone knows that.  Not the queen of the power trip.  She even got on him for not working, when he was helping his mentee.  I'm happy he's checked out and has some freedom.

What I'm unhappy about is that he canceled his flight home tonight.  I'm still not sure why, but now he's flying home tomorrow and won't be back until late Monday afternoon.  This change in plans at a very late hour led to some scrambling about what to do tonight.  Clint, Anne and I had zero plans and we were all very happy with that.  H apparently wasn't.  He went all martyr on us and expected us to drop our plans and schedule our night around him.  I was happy to oblige but he couldn't tell me one single thing he wanted to do!  I guarantee he goes to the strip club tonight.  

I think what bugs me the most is I feel like he's trying to sabotage his goodbye in an attempt to make it easier.  I know I've done it in the past, if you make someone mad at you it's easier to say goodbye.  As much as he doesn't want to admit it, he'd going to miss a lot of the aspects of work.  With him being an independent contractor you never no when work will come again.  He will never admit he wanted today to be all about him, and it wasn't.  It was a normal Friday for the rest of us.  Sure I'm sad he's leaving BUT he'll be here all next week.  I can see him every night after work, although I know he's going to play hard to get.  I hope he keeps our date on Wed night, if not, well that could be the straw that breaks the camels back.

I've been having this very odd feeling like this could be the last time I see him.  I know that's weird but it's how I feel.  I think we'll keep in touch for a while, but it fades.  It always does.  He wants his next deployment back to Dallas, I want mine in MN.  Our lives will go different ways and I'm not sure how vested we are to each other.  I've intentionally been pulling away from him and sharing less and it's not affected me all that much.  I don't think he's even noticed, he just fills my silence with more focus on him.  Ego feeding seems to win so much more than I do.  It's as if I've prepared myself for the break up.

 Baby hussy toes, there is nothing cuter

In 6 sleeps I will be home.  Right now it feels like an eternity.  I cannot wait, mom and lil hussy toes are picking up and I'm so excited.  I cannot wait to be surrounded by everyone and everything I love.

Today was another thrilling day of staying home.  I had to give a presentation at 5 and thank goodness my voice held up.  It wasn't strong and it cracked like a teenage boy, but I made it through.  The only other exciting thing was a quick trip to Target for ingredients to make bars for H's last day.  It's been almost a year since we met and I've never baked anything for him.  This is so unheard of for me, so he gets Special K bars for work.  I'm not even in his dept but feel like I owe it to him and his coworkers.

Last night we had dinner together and I realized how critical me being able to talk is.  He repeated the same 3 topics about 3 times each.  2 I'm not overly joyed to talk about and he could tell.  On the way home he kept looking at me and asking if I was aggravated.  It was hard for me to hide it, but I did my best.  I'm almost a little relieved H is leaving.  I feel like I'm slowly getting back to being me.

I've learned a lot from him and how to be "in a relationship" but it's been tough.  I do NOT handle emotions well which is such a crucial part of being "in a relationship".  I hope to one day find someone who doesn't make it so hard.  Who can answer me with no lies and accept the same from me.  Who makes emotions easy to deal with and not such a roller coaster.  Maybe I'm just delusional about the whole thing.  Either way it's been nice to have someone special in my life.

Wordless Wednesday

My sweet baby girls today!

I have the weirdest cold known to man.  I have a cough and chest congestion, nasal drip and no voice.  I mean not a peep is coming out of me.  I keep trying and for a while this afternoon it sounded hopeful, but it seems to be gone again.  I'm trying all home remedies but none works for long.  I didn't even go to work today because it's pointless.  At some point I would have to make phone calls and it's just not worth it.  Instead I had a nice nap this morning, cleaned up my hotel room, and painted my nails.  I'm into my 2nd movie on TV and now I'm thinking another nap is in order.

I got a text about noon from H.  He is getting released on Friday.  This is a bit sooner than either of us thought but it's for the best really.  He's been working for 6 months straight and needs to go home.  He needs the rest, to reconnect with home.  As a typical man he can't see that.  All he's worried about is seeing me as much as possible before he leaves, and what he'll do about seeing Missy.  I'm trying to keep him focused on the positives of going home instead.  

Clint has been texting me all day about his lady problems.  They are really never ending and tend to make my day go by faster.  Today I'm just not really in the mood, but they seem to have taken a turn for the dramatic.  I'm sure I'll hear all about when I go to work.

The news about my job finally came and I wasn't selected.  I'm not sure who was chosen as the announcements hadn't been made yet.  I'm oddly ok with not being chosen.  I received really good feed back on my interview and have some slight tweaks to make for the next time.  Apparently I came across as a bit of a control freak, but that's what happens when you ask someone with OCD and a type A personality about organizational tasks.  I feel confident that just getting my name into the pool was a huge step.  I hope they decide to post another round of openings sooner rather than later.  I'd like to try again as I know better what to expect.

I really think it's nap time.  H is talking about coming over for some hot tub time tonight and I need to be somewhat alert to listen to him.  I can tell via his texts something else is bothering him, it's not just being released on his mind.  Here's hoping it's something I actually care to listen to.

That was a slap across the face

Elmo save me!

Today was just the worst.  I plastered a smile across my face all day.  I've got a horrible chest congestion that makes cough and I've lost my voice twice.  To top it all off I spent most of my afternoon obsessing about what could have been.  Please note I am as fake and happy at work as I can possibly be.  I do not need my coworkers thinking I'm a negative nelly.  I'm using this space to work out my issues.

So my Sue Bee brings up a fantastic what if question.  What if the guy I was sleeping with last fall, we'll call him J, was down here?  This was a fantastic distraction but opened up all kinds of cans of worms.  Let's dissect shall we!

1.  I would be oh so physically satisfied.  J and I asked very little of each other, besides having sex.  We'd have some casual conversation but nothing too deep or emotional.  Neither of us was looking for that.  Ours was a meeting for a mutual end.

2.  I doubt I'd still be as depressed as I am.  Having sex makes you happy, not dealing with emotions, makes me happy.  Sure I'd still be a bit self destructive but it doesn't bother me that much.

3.  I realize how much I've grown emotionally yet how stunted I still feel.  I've worked out so many of my issues, but I've uncovered even more.  I know I need to stop doing things that aren't good but sometimes it's just so fun.

So, as per my usual, I went to H's desk on my last break.  We were chatting and he finally asked me what was wrong.  So I shared my theory about having J in TX and how H and I would probably just be acquaintances.  This did not sit well with him and in my list making fashion I'll explain more.

1. His first thought was how would that make me feel better.  Sex is not the answer.  I retorted with yes sometimes it is.  He still disagrees.

2.  He also stated that just because I didn't get what I wanted with him doesn't mean I won't ever get what I want.  Yes that's right, he took that chance to get in a dig at me that I'm not good enough for him or that I'm not what he wants.  Um ouch!

3. He doesn't think I have any reason to be depressed.  again FUCK YOU!

4. AND the kicker, he started talking about when Missy comes to town and how we should all go out.  I should really meet her cause he thinks we'd get along.  How fucking delusional is this man!  I fully intend to either be sick the whole weekend or taking a trip to Houston.  Screw that noise.

By this point I was pretty upset, I didn't know what to do or say to anyone.  I just feel like it's not fair.  How can you so unabashedly judge me.  You don't know me, sure we've been close, but he really doesn't know me.  The whole proposition was a bunch of what if's, a way to distract me and make the afternoon go by faster.  Instead he changed it to all about him, all about his ego, all about how it affects him.

In a bit of rebellion I told Clint about what was happening.  First he actually listened, secondly he wasn't overly opinionated.  He actually agreed with me that H was being a dick and very self serving of my situation.  Now Clint isn't really one to judge in a situation like this, but he was honest in saying I needed to do what made me happy.  He also thought it was rude that H had to take a dig at me not getting what I wanted.   This was an interesting shift of events, considering he's been so self absorbed in all his lady issues lately.

I'm still peeved at H.  It was out of line.  The thing I need to keep reminding myself is that I have to make me happy.  And if thinking about another deployment with J is what makes me happy then so be it.  I have to quit worrying about what others think.  I need to stop asking about what others think.  It's just wearing me out.  I'm worrying about me and only me.  It might be a lonely week, but that's ok too.

dropping bombs

Yep, he made me cry

So last night did not go as planned.  It wasn't bad but it wasn't great either.  We didn't get to see the fight.  Every place we tried was standing room only.  We ended up at very empty Red Robin with the strangest waitress.  At least my meal was good and the beer was cold.

1st Bomb: we realized we weren't talking about each other but solely about others we work with.  The drama is fun to watch unfold, but the toll it's taking on me is not good.  I cannot listen to it anymore and I have to stop enabling it.

2nd Bomb: H told me Missy is coming for Memorial Day.  Oh joy!  He's excited and I'm jealous.  I think that'll be my last weekend in town so that fact that we don't get to spend it together is bothersome to me.  Now I'll have to be fake and watch them together.  I think I can plan on being "sick" that whole weekend.  I wish I could just get over my feelings for him.  I know it would never work between us yet I still have this tiny sliver of hope.  I need to crush it, yet I can't.  Instead I just have an insane amount of jealousy.  It's totally bummed me out and I hate having negative energy.

3rd Bomb: Clint basically told a girl that I don't much care for that I don't like her and told him to keep his distance.  It wasn't deliberate that he told her but she'll deduce that his information came from me.  It really didn't.  I had 2nd hand information that she was a bit crazy and based on our common FB friends I was going to keep my distance.  I can hardly wait to deal with her tomorrow.

4th Bomb: I had a massage today and it was great, but afterwards and still now I feel awful.  I've never had this experience before.  I was dizzy and lightheaded for almost 2 hours after.  I had eaten and drank water before I went to avoid this.  H and I went out to lunch and that helped, but I still feel pretty rough.  

I went shopping to try and cheer myself up but I just don't feel normal.  My energy is all off.  Clint has been texting me all day to go to his hotel pool and I just can't bring myself to do it.  I wouldn't be able to drink as I have to get back to my hotel somehow and I feel like I have nothing to say.  And I'm sure if I did say something it would be negative.  We talked on the phone earlier and in 20 min I said about 4 words.  I am so emotionally and physically drained.  I feel like I can't even begin to verbalize everything I want to say.  Even last night with H I couldn't bring myself to talk about anything.  I just let him ramble on about whatever.  I honestly couldn't tell you half of what he said to me.

I do know my depression has a lot to do with it.  All I want to do is scream pay attention to me, yet I can't and I know I won't.  I'll just let them keep using me as their outlet, I'll try to not absorb it but I will.    It affects me more than they know.  Everyone has a right to demand attention, but I'm worn out.  I cannot wait for PW in 10 days.  All attention on me and my babies and my family and my house!  It's nice to have that little glimmer of hope.

S A T U R D A Y HEY HEY

Do I not have 3 of the cutest babies in my life!  How can you not smile at these 3.

Today was an unremarkable day at work.  System conversion so that means a lot of nothing got done.  Sure the system I work was up but I decided in celebration of my 91st day of deployment I wouldn't do a damn thing.  I answered 10 calls and that's it.  I worked absolutely nothing and it was fantastic.

H is on his way to pick me up right now.  We are finally getting our "date" night.  I've been in need of one all week but things just haven't worked out.  I'm ready for a margarita and a good fight, hopefully we get to the bar before it's all over.

Eff U Friday

Babies First Bikes!

Happy baby is HAPPY

Today karma gave me a good back hand.  Not only is my mood not all that better, BUT my back went out right before lunch.  I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, and I've been trying to keep fit and avoid it but dang!  Thank goodness H has pain meds and helped me out this afternoon.  I would not have made it or I'd have been lying on the floor under my desk.

I realized that I need to change my perspective.  To remember that how I'm feeling does not need to dictate what I want out of life.  I have to keep surpressing my feelings, put on my happy face and just deal with it.  I asked around more today and no one has heard a peep about interview results.  The more chaos this creates for me the more I need to control things.  I've been cleaning anything and everything I can.  Last night it was my room and my bathroom, today it was my desk and H's pants.  I pick the lint off of them because mine have already been picked at.  It drives him nuts but bless him he allows my OCD to be out of control.

Tonight is taco night!  I cannot wait to go out and have some fun.  This week we are up to 20 people.  Should be a good time as long as I can sit down.  My massage on Sunday will not come fast enough..

Kickin' me while I'm down

Playing Dress Up

Today was going great until my ex decided to IM me.  I'm not sure if he did this will ill intentions but it certainly felt that way.  He told me he's been in Jacksonville training the newest group hired.  Um yeah I'm sorry that's my dream job.  I want to do that more than almost anything else in my career field.  The MF'er has zero intention of applying for the job I just interviewed for.  He's not even on the list to be developed!  I've been ready now for my job for 18 months with nothing!  LIVID does not even begin to describe how I feel.  I cannot get over the hurt I have.  He's offered to drop my name around the department but I just don't know about that.

I think what really bothers me is A- he's my ex, B- I know trainers who haven't even done that, C- he was just so braggy about it, D- I will always have an emotional attachment.  I have to try and keep my feelings out of it, but I cannot be happy for him.  I'm just hurt.  Why haven't my bosses gone to bat for me?  Are my bosses even going to bat for me?  Is this all worth it?  I'm missing playing with a strawberry and Elmo gone Mary had a little Lamb.  I'm 1000 miles away from everything I love and for what;  a handful of drunken nights out with some friends?

This is not helping the depression.  Nor is my period coming a week early or it being a nearly full moon.  They say you never have more than you can handle, but I will break pretty damn soon.  I feel bad for those around.  Clint's already acting like a kicked puppy and Heinz is truly at a loss for words.  I'm such an uber bitch I can't blame them, but I don't know what else to do.  I'm shutting down in every sense of the statement.

Unhappy Hump Day

Twin Powers, they got em

Oh Chels, I'm sure that's not a baby belly shirt.

Today was kind of crappy.  I won't lie and say I didn't make it that way because I did.  I went to bed a grump and woke up the same way.  I could not find my happy eyes to put on.  Everything was so incredibly annoying to me.  And I was still trying to find out why I'm sad.

I chose not to talk to Clint or H all morning and it seemed to help.  I realized I missed H when he mistakenly told me he was getting released.  Turns out he's not and will be around for awhile.  His boss is hoping for a couple months until they get the permanent reps settled in.  Clint, well, I hate to say it but I didn't miss his constant narration of all that happens to him.  I actually started to calm down when he stopped talking.  

This afternoon was better, but barely.  Annoying girl was exceptionally annoying but for whatever reason I was the only one tuning her out.  Every one around me was whining over IM and I just didn't give a damn.  Maybe that's my super power, tuning out the annoying.

In a weird twist I was talking to a friend about loyalty to our company.  I still have a lot and she has zero.  She and her husband have been through the ringer in our jobs and trying to find permanent positions in the zone.  They are going through upheaval again and aren't sure what to do.  At the same time we were chatting, my team helped a coworker celebrate 35 yrs.  WOWZA, she's worked my entire life at one place.  This is amazing to me, but then again I have in 13 years at the ripe at of 34.  She could easily be me, however I hope to be retiring at that time, instead of staring down 7 more years to pay for kids to go to college.

Tonight I finally relaxed.  Big Kitty is leaving for home tomorrow so we went out for a good bye dinner.  My jaw finally has unclenched, might have something to do with the most delicious pineapple mojito I drank.  It was nice company at a fantastic restaurant, something I was in need of.  A small group with civilized interaction.  No one was on their phone, or checking text messages or whining about a spouse.  It was just good fun.  Maybe tomorrow I can find less filled with rage eyes to wear to work.