Testing me Tuesday

Serious art time

Watching Charlie Brown!  Sara not so much

Today was such an emotional day for me.  There wasn't any one thing that set me off but I do know I need to try and adjust my attitude ASAP.  I ended up waiting in traffic for 45 min and having an emotional breakdown.  It wasn't a full blown sobfest but I was crying for a good while.  I'm thinking it's time to go to the doctor and discuss some meds.  I am most certainly not me and I am not coping well with anything that isn't absolutely perfectly done my way.  

I tried to sweet talk my boss into letting me go home next week but that didn't happen either.  Instead I get to do the work of someone else.  Why you ask, because in my job you get punished for being efficient.  Oh and the best part is, the guy just up and quit on Sunday.  Walked in, turned in his things and left.  Yeah, that's a real fun convo to have when people have been waiting 20 days for their inspections.  Way to go Jackass!  Thank goodness I'm an over achiever and will have them all still inspected this week.  Tomorrow a trainer is riding with me.  Not sure why, as I didn't ask.  I don't know him at all so that oughta be reallll uncomfortable during my inspections.

Today my sissy came up with the best idea.  I should open a mobile bakery and call it Sweet Ride.  I love the idea!  Food Trucks are big where we live, although I don't think that's the direction I necessarily want to go.  I want to have a space, somewhere where I call it work but also love to call mine!  

A coworker IM'd tonight asking if I was coming to visit in MD.  I have no plans to do so but it's nice to know I'm missed.  He even tempted me with saying I could bake for him. Most people would balk at that, but instead I found it sweet and the best offer I've had in a long time.  Shame he's married!

Tonight I'm going to enjoy some Olympics.  I love seeing people's hard work pay off for them.  I find it fascinating that someone loves something so much to dedicate their entire lives to winning a medal.  I'm a huge fan of the swimming, although I find myself holding my breath as they swim.  Gymnastics used to be my favorite.  I grew up obsessed with watching them, now I don't have the same feelings.  I feel so sad for the girls.  It's no way to live a life.  Even the men last night, it was heartbreaking to see them fall apart.   I couldn't even watch the end of it, the poor boy who fell while vaulting, my heart still breaks for him as he wiped away his tears.  GO TEAM USA!!

Rumor has it

Wearing big girl jimjams!

Just so much silly is happening here!

Over the last couple of days I've been catching up with a lot of friends.  Mainly Clint and H.  Clint has called me everyday for 3 days now just spilling his guts all over the place.  He's been alluding to a couple things for a while now and finally told me.  Sometimes it's really fun to be able to say I told you so, sometimes it's a little sad.  Our conversations have yielded both.  

H and I have been texting a lot, I hate talking to him on the phone.  He always thinks I'm mad at him, he cannot decipher the inflection of sarcasm in my voice.  For a man who can speak 2 languages fluently my sarcasm shouldn't be that hard to notice.  He finally fessed up that he's been hooking up with someone in NE.  I really don't mind, but apparently his Missy did.  I'm not sure when any of this happened but he told me today they've not spoken in a while.  I think it may have been around 4th of July when I was out of town.  Again, it's kinda fun to say I told you so, but with him I restrained myself.  Knowing full well that he hates how right I was about that whole situation.  I think it explains why some of his behaviors have changed towards me.

I also talked to a great friend of mine Jim.  He's from ATL and has a wife and 2 daughters I love!  What started out as a botched conference call turned into he and talking for 30 min.  He's ready to be done with the traveling and has recently applied for a job closer to home.  I'm crossing my fingers he gets it.  Family is always first and based on our talk he's struggling with it.  We chatted about people we know and where they are now.  Amazing how many are not happy even with moving up in the company.  He gave me some good advice about when I interview again as we both know positions are coming.  It's been announced 500 more people are being hired which means more trainers aren't far behind!

The more people I talk to, the more I know, the more I care, the more I'm ready to be home.  I'm ready to have my nucleus back, to have some normal, to have my nieces and nephew not associate me with the phone.  The choices I make over the next 2 years are the choices that lead me to my path of happiness.  I've got great people around me along the way, but those that really matter have always been at home, waiting for me to cure my wanderlust.

Finally Sunday

Oh ya know, I'm just swinging

Yesterday was a fun but long day.  I met some great insureds through work, got done at a decent time and Brandi came and took Rick and I to dinner.  Afterwards we went for some drinks and met Brandi's two best friends and their husbands.  Oh Em Gee, talk about hysterical.

Her friend Amy is the high school guidance counselor and saw some of her current students drinking at the bar.  Apparently fake ID's are big out here, even in high school.  She started in on how wrong it was and how she was out to have a good time, not be a babysitter.  For a while neither Rick nor I knew what she was saying, but the gestures and her face said it all. 

Her other friend Wendy is 5 months pregnant and was sooo sweet.  The poor thing was tired and hot and overall not having a good time, but she stayed out like a trooper.  I put my guess in that she's having a baby girl, they find out this week so here's hoping I'm right.  I want to be keep up my track record of guessing and go 11/11.

Now I'm trying to get rid of a headache, or a migraine.  I could feel this coming on yesterday and there's nothing I could do to stop it.  For now it's caffeine and advil.  I hope it subsides soon as I want to enjoy my day off and hanging out with Brandi.  I think I'm going to get changed and just start out her way.

tired

That's how I feel all over, tired.  Mentally, physically, socially, just all over tired.  I have photos to post but I can't be bothered to organize them.  When I can't be bothered to do my expense reports you can't ask me for much on here.  I'm going to bed now and am giddy about it.  I'm hoping to be done at a normal time tomorrow so Rick and I can have dinner and beers tomorrow night, then some hillbilly fun with Brandi on Sunday.

Happy Birthday

My two favorite short people turned 2 today!  I very vividly remember meeting them 2 short years ago in a massive hospital room downtown Minneapolis!  They stole my heart that day and I love them more every single day.

It tastes like a cupa cake

Moving right along

If I fits I sits!

Potties are meant to be worn on your head       

                           Baby Body Builder                 No need to wear pants, just carry them

Today I just moved on.  I worked very late last night so I had a bit of sleeping in today.  I worked all day and have most of my phone calls made.  About 6 more to go, if people would just call me back!  I've come to terms with being here, kind of.  I stopped whining and am accepting this state for what it is.  Nothing more, nothing less than a place where people grew up, feel safe, and never left.  They don't know any better because they've never been any place else.

Tonight I had dinner with a friend who lives about 30 min south of the city.  She used to do my job but quit over 1.5 yrs ago.  She loves her new life and it makes me so jealous.  I know I'm headed towards the right path of leaving.  I know my life will be alright I just have to get to the right point financially first.  She's lost weight, started dating, and has a great social life.  All things I sacrificed years ago.  

It's nice to be with someone you have so much in common with and see them in the place they love.  She took me to a great restaurant for dinner, and it wasn't a chain.  Delicious home made pizzas with the best white sangria I've ever had.  Fresh peaches make all difference, I think I forgot how much I do like fresh peaches.  Yummmmmmmmyyy.  I can't wait to see what she has in store for this weekend.  I'm planning on heading down there Saturday night.  Some down time in the country is just what I need, she's already promised me a ride on her Razr (2 person 4 wheeler) up in the hills, oh and I can do my laundry!  Yay for friends in random places :)

The yucks have it

Oh to be in their heads for a couple seconds

Things just don't seem to be picking up.  I'm starting to realize that the office is the den of evil and negativity.  No one smiles, or laughs, or has a kind word to say.  It's just all so ugly.  It's not only my office.  I was talking to my Sue and the state of affairs in our world is just not looking that great.  I'm really hoping I can get promoted soon and see the grass from the other side.  Things have gotten so grim she and I were looking at the job postings around the country.  So far I could move to San Diego and Hawaii for my job.  There were some other closer not fun sounding jobs but I need to keep on my debt paying off budget.

The highlight, if you want to call it that, is that I daydream a lot about opening my own bakery.  It's my passion, the one thing I love more than anything else in life.   Yes I need to get over my fear of yeast and make bread.  I'd also make donuts.  I love donuts almost as much as I love Cheetos.  These delicious beasts also require yeast and frying, which is something I'm also a bit scared of.  I feel I could be successful where I live, I just need to develop a cult following early on.  I've thought about trying out some summer festivals to see how I would do selling.  I'd start with magic cookie bars, my basic chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies, special k bars and maybe even some puppy chow.  A nice variety to keep everyone intrigued.  I've got a zillion other recipes in my head that would be winners.  I never come home from an event with any treats left.

The biggest fear of having my own bakery is actually the running and money side of it.  I wouldn't mind being up in the middle of the night to make things fresh, but having to budget and pay vendors/people, yuck.  I honestly would hire my mom to do that and have my sister run the store.  She's super creative and has a great eye for design.  The only other thing I need is a taster and a coffee maker.  Maybe my Sue would do that.  I know I won't let my Dad or bro in law too close, I'd lose all my profits!

It sure is fun to dream, especially when all I have to look at is trees trees, oh and trees!

Wild Wonderful West Virginia?

Oh to be as happy as my sweet sweet babies!

Today was a long day; almost 250 miles for 3 claims!  They weren't even that far apart from one another.  I've decided that WV might just be against having shoulder on their roads.  I so thought I was going down the mountain the hard way today.  I met a Fedex van and for a while it was a battle of who was going to keep their side mirrors.  In the end we both did , but he's clearly more experienced than me.  I had some huge setbacks with my computer not working correctly today.  I wanted to get so much more done that I did, but oh well there's always tomorrow.  

The highlight of today was finding a Starbucks.  An honest to goodness stand alone with a drive thru Starbucks.  Not the greatest one I've ever had, a bit too sweet, but it was still yummy coffee goodness.

I'm still struggling trying to find a little bit of happy out here.  My friend Brandi and I are meeting on Wed and hopefully she can clue me into as to what's so great about living here.  I find mountains and the insane vegetation claustrophobic.  I honestly get a bit panic-y when I'm driving in the mountains.  It's all too much, small roads, trees too close, and not really knowing what direction you are headed except around the mountain!  I talked to both H and Sue today about how I'm feeling and they were both sympathetic.  I think we've all had this assignment more than once in our careers.  I really think I'm reaching my breaking point with travel.  9 years really might be enough, time to buckle down and really work on paying off my debt so I can find a "normal" job.

My room

This is hands down one of my least favorite hotels.  I know I've said it before but truly it is.  Horrible service, bad smells, attrocious housekeeping and a weird location.  I'm still debating about calling the companies rewards program to complain.  Seriously it's bad!  At least I do have a fridge which I am renting in my room.  Please see photos below.

Lets start with my bathroom, it's the only part I don't really hate.  It's somewhat updated, lots of counter space and excellent water pressure in the shower.  I love a good shower.  Actually I should be in one.  I can smell myself, so not a good thing.

Closet is pretty standard.  I've gotten good at not over packing.  The desk/table is ridiculously small and right in front of the AC unit.  I think I'm going to move it by my bed so I don't freeze to death when I work.  Limited options by outlets though.  Better check if I still have an extension cord.

Hurray my $10 a day fridge.  I debated about buying that cute pink one, but it was just a smidge too small.  But seriously how cute is it!! 

The meat and potatoes of the room, 2 beds and a TV.  My bed feels like plywood, so freaking hard.  I have a mattress topper but it's still in my van.  I don't know that it's worth the effort of putting it on.  I don't know that it can help too much.  One bed is for sleeping the other for eating, computing and watching tv.  I'm on it right now realizing I spilled pasta sauce on it.  Ooops.

All my shoes lines up since they won't fit in the closet.  Rick said I had too many, I think it's not enough!  A girl needs options, although I bet I only wear a couple pairs because I'm going to work like a dog to get out of here ASAP.

Some other observations, this town is not updated.  Even the new things don't look that new.  I cannot find any non chain restaurants.  There's 2 in the mall but they don't look too appealing.  The guys in the office said the only restaurant that's ever been on TV is in one of my towns.  Yay, oh wait, it's called Hillbilly Hotdogs.  I hate hotdogs.  WAH!  The only Starbucks are 1 in a mall, 2 in a hospital.  Thankfully I found one near a majority of my claims, only 40 miles outside of this city.  Please note this is the capital city, it's not so capital to me.

The people here are what I call stupid nice.  They are so dull and uneducated that they can't help but be nice all the time.  The job market has to be severely depressed.  I've been to 4 restaurants and all of them are being run by grown ass adults.  At home it's teenagers, and 20 somethings.  Here, well it's a career choice.  The worst part is that the service has been horrible everywhere.  1st night was Chili's more than once we questioned if our waiter forgot he was supposed to be waiting on us.  2nd night O'Charleys-I got take out.  I ordered, waited 20 min and went and got it.  I waited another 20 min inside the restaurant.  Best part, got home and my food was burnt!  Tonight was Fazoli's, I wanted to hit the drive thru and be done.  Nope it was out of order!  Went inside, the kid had on a t-shirt and basketball shorts behind the counter.  Then I waited over 20 min for fast food!  

I really need to think about how to keep eating in this town.  I've had a salad every night and they've all been sub-par.  It's like this state is rejecting eating healthy.  Normally I'm all about not eating healthy but when I work it's crucial.  I'll get sick if I don't.  Tomorrow should be interesting as I have claims in some really remote areas.  I didn't even buy granola bars cause I have no where to put them, and they'll melt in the van.  Hmmm gas station lunch it is!  I cannot wait to move hotels.  Just to have a partial kitchen.  I'll feel so much more normal.  The trainer staying at the other hotel said it's easy to cook what you buy because it's in a business park and no food options are too close.  Oh joy, more food hunting!

I know I've been really negative about being here but there's not a lot to be happy about.  Work is crappy, people yell and yell over the phone then turn on the nice when you are at their house.  Travel time is a lot, hotel is bad, office is bad, just a lot is bad.  My happy is how green and lush the mountains are.  Here's hoping next weekend I can have some fun with my friend who lives here.  I need to see why she chooses to stay.

No Fun Friday

Yes we are teaching her balance very very early

Today was yet another travel day in the books.  I can now add IN and OH to states I hate traveling through, particularly when misting/raining.  By the time I reached the WV border I was just about suicidal and ready to drive into whatever river makes up the border.  Things got even more fun when the GPS just gave up and I was vaguely driving in what I thought was the right direction.  I know it's a bad omen when the GPS doesn't pick up 60% of the tiny "roads" I was driving past.  I arrived into Charleston with zero sense of direction and found my hotel.  I still can't tell you what direction is north!

My hotel is awful.  I mean worse than the one I stayed in after Hurricane Katrina, and I only had drywall and no exterior wall!  I also had a mushroom grow out of my carpet and it's still better than this room.  The room is updated but it stinks, like mildew.  I have a wall AC unit and no fridge or microwave.  That's right, I can have zero food in my room!  I've asked twice at the front desk and both times I've gotten a very snippy response.  Bitches I am a platinum elite rewards member.  I got zero respect.  No treats at check in no nothing!  Tomorrow I'm going to call the company and complain.  I've been told there are fridges for a $10 a day fee.  Yeah no!  Give me a damned fridge.  I also have 2 beds and no other chairs or a couch.  There's a tiny table with 2 chairs to serve as my desk.  I think I'll be working out of my van a lot!

This afternoon was orientation and things just didn't get much better.  I have no idea how many claims I have, but they are all over the state and all re-assigned from someone else.  What this tells me is that they had enough people here to do the work, it's just they weren't working fast enough.  Then they tell us that travel here is exhausting.  Normally I can do 5-6 claims a day, and I've been told 3 may be pushing it.  Lovely, just lovely.  Mountains and heavily wooded areas already make me feel claustrophobic, now I have to drive all over the place on top of it.  Fan-freaking-tastic.  I really hope it's stunning countryside, or that I can get in and out of here quickly.  My gut instinct of things not being good is already coming to fruition.

On the plus side one of my co-workers is the bee's knees!  Rick is super nice and helpful.  We have a new system that I've never used and he volunteered he's a power user.  YAY, personalized help for me.  I've already told him I'll buy him whatever he wants if he comes and sits with me in my room tomorrow.  Yeah that makes it sound like he's my whore, but I gotta take advantage of the help.  We had dinner tonight at Chili's, way to make the most of our day of expenses, but the food was decent and conversation was good.  

Now it's time for bed.  I'm wiped out and I need to be making contacts ASAP.  Here's hoping I can figure out locations and which roofs are too high or steep for me to climb.  I'd love to have all these inspections done in 10 days.  Gotta keep up my rockstar status!

I still hate Illinois

When I leave for work I take one of two ways, most often it does not involve IL, today it did.  I hate that state.  It's very long and boring, and this time around very brown.  I feel bad for the people who will suffer because of the drought and all it's affects, but it doesn't help with curb appeal for the state.

As I was driving I started having some random thoughts, as I normally do and thought I'd list out all my deployments.  I think I can remember them all.

2003 Oct-Dec training, Jacksonville and Corp
2004 June Kansas City, KS and Arma, KS
2004 August Worthington MN
2004-2005 Sept-March Orlando, FL
2005 Sept-Nov Hattiesburg MS
2006 Jan-June Vadnais Hts, MN
2007 Feb Indianapolis, IN
2007 May-August El Paso, TX
2007 Sept-Oct Burnsville, MN
2008 April-Sept Burnsvill, MN
2008 Sept-Nov Cincinnati, OH
2008-2009 Dec-April Dallas TX
2009 May-July Marion, IL
2009 Sept-Nov Atlanta, GA
2010 April-June Cedar Falls and Des Moines, IA
2010 July-Oct Burnsville, MN
2011 Jan Dallas, TX
2011 March-June Charlotte, NC
2011 July-Nov Bloomington, MN
2012 Feb-June Dallas, TX
2012 July-?? Charleston, WV

That's a long list, but I would guess that it's actually short given the handful of others who have been on this job as long as me.  I've had some pretty long stints at the same places.  I really do like having the familiar to rely, but it's nice to explore someplace new too.

Last night as I was trying to sleep I started to think about leaving and how I was really feeling about it.  I wasn't anxious, but I was a little excited.  I like going somewhere new.  This time around I wasn't as sad as I was in Feb when I left for TX.  I will miss everyone like crazy, but I knew I needed to leave.  I need to regain who I am.  Heading to this new site I only know a handful of people and that really means I only know their names and faces.  I can choose to be whatever person I want at this site.  I can be a recluse and work out all the time, or I can be the social coordinator, or I can hang out with my friend who lives there, or I can just be.  It's interesting to think I could meet the man of my dreams or a new enemy, or I could find the key to my happiness or a boss who can really help me.  The possibilities are endless.

Now I'm off to bed.  I forgot about the time change, and the last 2 hours of my drive were intense.  First a major storm, then Indy with a massive amount of road construction.  I'm ready for some tylenol PM, earplugs (a dance team is staying here: note lots of running and yelling so far) and a comfy bed.

No way to end a vacation

Well today did not turn out as planned.  Not one little bit!  A friend had clued me in that I was going to be sent to the office in the Twin Cities for work.  I was elated, but for some reason never got my hopes up.  That's because today when I got the deployment notice it said Charleston, WV.  My boss had called about 30 seconds after they sent the notice and deployment would not change their minds.  So instead of driving 50 miles across town, I'm heading 900 out East.  The highlight is I'll be 20 min from a great friend who used to do the same job.  I'm super excited to have her show me around.

Another wrench in the plan is that I got an email for a new week vehicle.  Said vehicle is in Waukesha and I need to pick it up from a dealership.  Um yup not gonna happen.  I've left VM for the person coordinating all of this, but my job and the fact that I already have a vehicle come first.  I talked with my boss and she's ok with that, as is the boss I'm going to be reporting to.  He stated the CAT is only 2 weeks old, but super behind because they don't have enough people.  Yeah no time to drive 4 hours to get a vehicle, then back home, load it up and head out.  I thought about swapping on my way out of town, but I have no clue how big the interior is of the new one.  I could be royally screwed by having too much stuff with me and no place to put it.

I went over and saw BooBoo one last time before I left.  I swear she's grown since Saturday.  She's just so stinking cute.  She says ba all the time and is starting to answer to her own name.  The funniest is her trying to blow a raspberry with her fingers in her mouth.  She's somewhat successful, but mainly gets spit all over me.  She'll be so big by the time I'm back home again in 30 days.  WAH!

I successfully packed in 3 hours, and that includes laundry being finished and folded.  I also loaded up the van and cleaned.  The last things I need to do are clean out the fridge and eat dinner.  I just realized it's 9:15 and haven't even thought of eating.  This is not like me, time to go make the fat girl happy.

Reminders

My sister is a very focused person.  If she and her husband want something they work to attain it.  They don't dwell on the past and constantly move forward.  Their family is known as Team Ingram, their motto is never settle.  They are teaching Chelsea to lead this exact life and I know she'll never want or struggle for it.

I don't have the same drive.  I work very hard to get what I want, but I don't have a partner reassuring me, or a cute baby to push me to do more.  I have me, and sometimes I'm very lazy and look for excuses.  Lately I've been focusing on the past, on the issues not having my dad around caused me to develop.  Today I did a lot of cooking and baking, all the while thinking that I just need to move forward.  I can't forgive or forget, but I can forge on.  I need to forge on with who I want to be.  If he wants to treat me like crap well that's up to him, I'm going to move on with my life.

Tonight I called my mom to wish them a safe trip out West to see my aunt.  She was her normal amount of crazy and I made some comment about my dad still being an ass.  She said she didn't think he was, so I sarcastically said "he must be directing his asshole-ness towards me instead."  She honestly said, "I guess so, he's been nice to me."  Yep, they all think I'm the one who's over reacting to how he treated me on Saturday.  No one is taking my side or even asking my side of the story.  I guess that's my cue to move forward.  I need to keep on my path and not worry about what they think or don't think.

Reunions

Last night was a reunion with a group of girls I used to cheer with in high school.  Everyone pictured above was present with the addition of one more.  It was a great time.  We met at 3:30 and left at 8pm. There was a couple who came up to us as we were standing in the parking lot and commented they had drinks, dinner and dessert and we were still chatting in the same place.  Yep, we have lots and lots to talk about.  Some of us had met at Christmas, but we still needed to catch up with the others.  It was so much fun.  

I really do struggle at events like this because, yet again, I'm the only one who's single and has no plans for children.  Several already have kids and a couple are looking into adoptions.  I think this is great for all of them, but I could tell they judged.  I'm always judged.  Why can't people just see that I'm happy and leave it be?  I'm hoping that as I reconnect with these friends they'll judge less and see my life is full and I'm ok with the choices I've made.  If they can't see me happy, then they don't need to see me at all.

This would seem like a huge 180 from Saturday's event but it's not.  I let it all overwhelm me this weekend.  I needed to refocus and remind myself that being me is ok.  If you don't like that then you don't have to be around me.  I shouldn't alienate my family, but really, if you can't support me you won't see me.  I don't need negativity in my life.  My job and the stress is more than enough for me to deal with.  I only want love and laughter in my life.  Every chance I get to wish on something it's always to find true love.  I know it's out there somewhere.

I bought this onesie for her almost a year ago (right after we found out the gender) and I die every time she wears it.  You can't really see them, but there are rhinestones glued into the ruffles and the front has pink hearts and more ruffles.  It'll be a sad day when it doesn't fit.  I hope I can find her another one that's similar.

Some words for my own encouragement

How to ruin a party

After mosts of the guest had left Chelsea's birthday it was just the immediate family and my sister's friend Katie.  We were in the garage and my asshat of a father started arguing with me.  He wouldn't let it go and pushed me way too far.  I ended up getting up and leaving.  I hate that I left, but I don't know what else to do when he behaves like that.  The worst part is everyone else knew he was wrong but no one defended me.  I really felt ganged up on and hurt that apparently I wasn't worth defending.

By the time I got home, the whole 1/10 of a mile drive, I was crying uncontrollably.  I had embarrassed myself and slightly ruined the party.  I apologized profusely to my sister, and thankfully she understood.    Once I was home I couldn't stop crying.  This doesn't happen a lot but when it does it's for a reason.  I think I was having an anxiety attack.

What it breaks down to is too much family time in the last 2 weeks.  They've all pushed me way too far.  It's one thing to be ignorant to my feelings, it's a whole new ball game when they are simply ignored.

I'm tired of answering why I don't want babies.  Yes I know I'm good with them, but that doesn't mean I want to sacrifice my life for one.

I'm lonely, I want to find love, but people, you have to stop harassing me about it and telling me how much you like when your husband's are gone.  To me that's not what love is all about.  I want the person I can't live without and don't want to be apart from.

Not one person asked me about my life, other than how long I would be home for and where I would be going next.  This is the standard question I get asked but there's more to my life.  Apparently I'm so dull no one wants to ask more.

I'm sure this all sounds super selfish as this wasn't my party and the focus wasn't supposed to be on me. But I'm also tired of being the doormat sister.  I wanted to enjoy the party and not be a baby sitter.  I spent more time playing with Chelsea and the twins than anyone else did.  I get that parent's need time off, but come one.  Handle yourselves better.

The worst part is that I'm struggling with feeling depressed.  What was supposed to be 10 days of staycation has turned into me being a hermit.  I don't want to leave my house or interact at all.  My feelings of insecurity and unhappiness are becoming overwhelming.  It's like I'm beating a dead horse with all of this but I cannot overcome it.  I've been trying to make changes and push myself out of my comfort zone, but it's just not been enough.  I keep relying on work to shake my life up, and instead I think Dallas set me back a ton.  I'd really like to work at home/in the cities, but maybe going far away and with people I don't know would be a better option.  I've got to do something to shake it all up.

Happy Half Birthday

Today is her official half birthday but yesterday was her wonderful party.  My sister goes all out on a theme and did not disappoint.  It was a great day, a bit too hot for most of the guests, but the AC was on in the house for a quick cool off.

Some of the highlights were taking Chelsea's photo with her cake.  Daddy wasn't doing too good of a job holding her back and she took a fistful of frosting right off the top.  Thankfully we got it all off of her and none was ingested.  She's just started eating baby food so a handful of frosting would not have been good.  My sister's co-worker Kim, brought her twin sons Ernie and George who are 9 months old and quite a handful.  They are super mobile, crawling and rolling, and walking if they have something to hold on.  Chelsea just sat and stared at them, almost as if she was jealous.  It was very cute watching her interact with other babies.  She shares her toys very well.

The rest of the evening was spent chatting with friends and family.  My mom's sister and husband were present and things quickly became a bragging contest.  My Aunt Joan has a very loud personality but is super sensitive.  My mom also doesn't know when to shut her mouth.  Things got a bit awkward for a while, but thankfully the babies broke up the tension.

Today is a reunion with some girls from high school.  We were all cheerleaders and this will be our 2nd gathering this year.  It's great reconnecting with the girls and seeing how we've all changed in the 15 or so years since high school.

Serious case of the blues

I tried not to let today turn into a pity party.  I threw myself into dusting my house.  I swear every single surface has been dusted, shined and buffed.  I still haven't vacuumed but that can wait.  I just did the floors 2 days ago.

In fun news I used Facetime for the first time today.  It's the BFF's birthday today!!!  For a couple months we are the same age.  I called to wish her well and she shared the rumpus room from her view.  Danyal's little face lit up when he saw auntie on the phone!  He was marching and singing and coming up giving me kisses on the phone and telling me he loved me.  Sara was slightly more reserved, but still giggled and said hi, and poured me tea and ran around like the monkey she is.  They totally made my day.

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The DD (debbie downer) re-surfaced today with 2 text messages and a message via FB.  She begged again for me to tell her what she did wrong.  Rather than send the previous letter I had written, I wrote another.

Here it is:


There isn't any one thing you did or didn't do.  I have realized recently that I've out grown several friendships, one of them being ours.  I am not the same person I was 10+ years ago when we met.  I know you aren't either.  However I feel I've changed a lot more than you have.

I analyzed our last several meetings and found that they were not fulfilling to me and not serving to make me happy.  Honestly, the last time I left your house, almost 2 yrs ago, I cried the whole way home because I was so frustrated and sad with how you treated me.

Over the last year I've stopped responding intentionally.  I have nothing of value to say, particularly when I offer advice and you don't take it or even seem to value it.  When I did respond I kept the focus on whatever it was you texted about.  I was no longer comfortable sharing the details of my life with you.

I need to take care of myself.  Part of caring for me, is to make me happy and our time together no longer fulfills me or my happiness.  I do not wish to continue our friendship and hope you understand and respect my wishes.

As I've typed this out she responded:

• Well I wish you well then.
• Maybe one day you'll realize that it's about more than making yourself happy, it's about being there for a friend even when you may not support every single thing that they do.
• I was always there for you and supported you. It is sad you chose not to do the same. Good luck to you, I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.

I guess this is better than what I anticipated.  She claims she's a big bad ass bitch now so this is quite a dignified response.  Let's hope it's all over now.  I know I'm happily moving on!  Might be time for some wine.

MSG will be the death of me

The cuteness of the twins never ceases to amaze me.  And yes Danyal has a ring of yogurt on his face.  He stuck his head in the cup trying to get it all out.  He's sooooo me, I'm still not convinced he's not mine.  I know it's impossible but seriously!

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Today I was making salsa with a friend and as I can't cut onions without profuse crying I was on seasoning and cilantro duty.  The first ingredient was Accent. I had no clue what this was and looked at the ingredients, put MSG!  UMMMMMMMMM yeah that will kill me.  Now it was a large batch of salsa and contained 1/4 c but still.  Why is this even made?  I asked my Mom about it (cause she really does know everything) and she said they (my parents) use it to tenderize meat when making jerky.  Yep note to self, don't eat Dad's jerky, you will die.  You think I'm joking about dying but I get so sick when I ingest too much MSG, last year I ended up in the hospital severely dehydrated and with the world's worst migraine.

My time with Kati was great, we always enjoy each other's company.  This vacation has really allowed for a lot of time for us.  I think we both need it as we lead very opposite lives.  Her's married and normal, mine single and slightly chaotic.  Fate made us roomies 16 years ago and the friendship has flourished ever since.  Thanks GAC housing.

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The rest of my day has been crossing items off my to do list.  Finally sorted out my sat radios, called the WISDOT and got my license plates sorted, and balanced my check book.  Now I just need to measure my closet for some shelving and order new rhinestones.  Yes I like to bedazzle anything and everything.  The sadness is that I lost my stock pile of stones.  I thought they went to Dallas with me but I still cannot find them.  I'm thinking about a trip to Hobby Lobby tomorrow to see what they have. The bad thing is that the closest one is Rochester, but I'd rather go to the one in Mankato so I can stop at campus and get some of my favorite Mexican food.  AND I still want to go boutique shopping before Saturday's party so I can find something cute for Chelsea BooBoo.  Oh my dilemma's.

A little Hump day fun

This photo was taken last year and we still look exactly the same!

The BFF and I had an early birthday lunch today.  We are both holding out hope that her hubby comes through with something nice for her on Friday, her actual birthday.  And yes that would be Friday the 13th and yes we are exactly 4 months apart in age.  It's like the universe knew we should have the same birth date.  We went for sushi and it was just subpar.  I totally owe her a night at Chino Latino.  It's always good and we'd get some Queso Fundido goodness and watermelon mojitos and empanadas AND CHOCOLATE VOLCANO CUPS!  I'm starting to wonder why we didn't go, hmmm me and my silly ideas.

While at lunch we discussed our normal random topics.  One of which was the contest I entered yesterday.  If I were to win there are several logistical problems I'll need to overcome.  Mainly the need to prepare food, and lots of it, all from a hotel room with less than stellar kitchen facilities.  My BFF is the best because IF and I mean IF I get chosen she said she'd help me cook food.  Yes I put that in writing so now you can't go back (neener neener boo boo)!  The fact that she would do it means I have more than one person who really wants to me win it all!  She would clearly be my plus one on the fantastic trip I'd win.  We will tear Germany up!

I'm getting the cart before the horse here, but if I am selected to compete I don't know how many people I really want to tell.  I know it takes a village blah blah blah, but sometimes my village is full of idiots.  They mean well, but in reality they just burn the who place down with sabotage and Cheetos and cookies and one little bite won't kill you.  (Ahem, my mother, ahem)  The other idiots get competitive, way too competitive.  In all my years of trying to lose weight I've never found a happy medium with my village.  Thank goodness I should know by next Monday. 

Even if I'm not chosen I'm going to keep trying to work out and eat better.  So far so good, I've not gained any weight since coming home from Dallas 6 weeks ago.  I still lack a lot of motivation but I'm doing my best.  Tonight wasn't stellar as I'm still sitting on the couch and I texted my sis asking if the ice cream truck took credit cards.  Ummmmmm yeah

A lack of accomplishments

This pretty much sums up how good my vacation was!

I haven't done much today.  I'm really stuck in a bit of a rut and want to do as little as possible with my next 8 days of vacation.  I was in my PJ's until 4pm and spent 2 hours doing my tips and toes.  My one accomplishment was entering Steele Fitness Challenge 2012.  They have done amazing work with my BFF so if I get chosen I'm sure they can do some of the same for me.  The only trick is getting my boss to let me work at home.  I think it would happen as she knows how much I struggle with my weight.

Earlier I was reading through my back log of MSP magazine and saw all kinds of fun things to do around the Twin Cities.  I think I'm going to do a couple this week.  Most of them will be shopping related, but that's ok with me.  The bummer part is most of the good stores are on the west side and a bitch of a drive away, also I have no one to go with me.  The BFF has her hubby home this week, and my Sue-Bee is still in OKC.  WAH!  Good thing I'm ok with going alone.  I'd really like to find a couple of gifts for some special people in my life.  And my lil BooBoo needs something good for her half birthday party coming up on Saturday.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to keep watching the Real Housewives of OC and the Love Broker.  Whoever created Bravo, I lurve you!

25 Random Things

I'm stealing this idea from the lovely Casey at Moosh in Indy, she posted it over here at babble.  Here we go!

1.  I love Cheetos more than anything, yes more than my 3 little booboos, more than my diamond earrings.  I LOVE Cheetos.  Don't bring me chocolate when I'm sad or have PMS, just cheesy covered puffs.

2.  My ears are pierced 3 times each and I always wear earrings, usually the same 3 pairs

3.  I bought a puppy to help cure my depression and it made it sooo much worse that I sold it to my mom's co-worker.  This was 5 yrs ago and the thought of having another pet scares me to death.

4.  My house always smells like some form of a plug in from Bath and Body works.

5.  I refuse to wear pink nail polish on my hands.  I'm all goth nails.

6.  I have 4 pairs of cowboy boots.

7.  I smashed my car into my garage wall on Saturday night.  It's ugly, the wall and my car.

8.  I sleep on the left side of the bed.

9.  I own 10 of the same t-shirt from Target, all different colors.

10.  I love football, particularly the Green Bay Packers.

11.  I own stock in the Green Bay Packers

12.  I have 4 tattoos

13.  This is my lucky number

14.  I'm superstitious.  I believe in fate, chance, choice, coincidence and karma

15.  I don't know that I'll ever grow too old for MTV shows, particularly the challenges.

16.  I love TV, not as much as Cheetos, but I do love it.  VH1 has some of the best suck you in shows ever.  Tough Love is a particular winner to me.

17.  I've been all over Europe but never to Canada which is an 8 hour drive

18.  I'm allergic to red wine, namely the tannins in it.

19.  I've never been in love

20.  I have braces on for the second time in my life.

21.  Up until last week my only full family vacation was to Duluth, MN in 1987

22.  A boy in a truck will always make my heart skip a beat.

23.  I buy myself a birthday present from Tiffany every single year.

24.  Christmas lights make me super duper deliriously happy.  I have a string hung up around my bedroom ceiling instead of crown molding.

25.  I'm not scared of many things, but snakes and being pregnant top my list.

She sticks her tongue out when she sleeps, just like me