dropping bombs

Yep, he made me cry

So last night did not go as planned.  It wasn't bad but it wasn't great either.  We didn't get to see the fight.  Every place we tried was standing room only.  We ended up at very empty Red Robin with the strangest waitress.  At least my meal was good and the beer was cold.

1st Bomb: we realized we weren't talking about each other but solely about others we work with.  The drama is fun to watch unfold, but the toll it's taking on me is not good.  I cannot listen to it anymore and I have to stop enabling it.

2nd Bomb: H told me Missy is coming for Memorial Day.  Oh joy!  He's excited and I'm jealous.  I think that'll be my last weekend in town so that fact that we don't get to spend it together is bothersome to me.  Now I'll have to be fake and watch them together.  I think I can plan on being "sick" that whole weekend.  I wish I could just get over my feelings for him.  I know it would never work between us yet I still have this tiny sliver of hope.  I need to crush it, yet I can't.  Instead I just have an insane amount of jealousy.  It's totally bummed me out and I hate having negative energy.

3rd Bomb: Clint basically told a girl that I don't much care for that I don't like her and told him to keep his distance.  It wasn't deliberate that he told her but she'll deduce that his information came from me.  It really didn't.  I had 2nd hand information that she was a bit crazy and based on our common FB friends I was going to keep my distance.  I can hardly wait to deal with her tomorrow.

4th Bomb: I had a massage today and it was great, but afterwards and still now I feel awful.  I've never had this experience before.  I was dizzy and lightheaded for almost 2 hours after.  I had eaten and drank water before I went to avoid this.  H and I went out to lunch and that helped, but I still feel pretty rough.  

I went shopping to try and cheer myself up but I just don't feel normal.  My energy is all off.  Clint has been texting me all day to go to his hotel pool and I just can't bring myself to do it.  I wouldn't be able to drink as I have to get back to my hotel somehow and I feel like I have nothing to say.  And I'm sure if I did say something it would be negative.  We talked on the phone earlier and in 20 min I said about 4 words.  I am so emotionally and physically drained.  I feel like I can't even begin to verbalize everything I want to say.  Even last night with H I couldn't bring myself to talk about anything.  I just let him ramble on about whatever.  I honestly couldn't tell you half of what he said to me.

I do know my depression has a lot to do with it.  All I want to do is scream pay attention to me, yet I can't and I know I won't.  I'll just let them keep using me as their outlet, I'll try to not absorb it but I will.    It affects me more than they know.  Everyone has a right to demand attention, but I'm worn out.  I cannot wait for PW in 10 days.  All attention on me and my babies and my family and my house!  It's nice to have that little glimmer of hope.