Elmo save me!
Today was just the worst. I plastered a smile across my face all day. I've got a horrible chest congestion that makes cough and I've lost my voice twice. To top it all off I spent most of my afternoon obsessing about what could have been. Please note I am as fake and happy at work as I can possibly be. I do not need my coworkers thinking I'm a negative nelly. I'm using this space to work out my issues.
So my Sue Bee brings up a fantastic what if question. What if the guy I was sleeping with last fall, we'll call him J, was down here? This was a fantastic distraction but opened up all kinds of cans of worms. Let's dissect shall we!
1. I would be oh so physically satisfied. J and I asked very little of each other, besides having sex. We'd have some casual conversation but nothing too deep or emotional. Neither of us was looking for that. Ours was a meeting for a mutual end.
2. I doubt I'd still be as depressed as I am. Having sex makes you happy, not dealing with emotions, makes me happy. Sure I'd still be a bit self destructive but it doesn't bother me that much.
3. I realize how much I've grown emotionally yet how stunted I still feel. I've worked out so many of my issues, but I've uncovered even more. I know I need to stop doing things that aren't good but sometimes it's just so fun.
So, as per my usual, I went to H's desk on my last break. We were chatting and he finally asked me what was wrong. So I shared my theory about having J in TX and how H and I would probably just be acquaintances. This did not sit well with him and in my list making fashion I'll explain more.
1. His first thought was how would that make me feel better. Sex is not the answer. I retorted with yes sometimes it is. He still disagrees.
2. He also stated that just because I didn't get what I wanted with him doesn't mean I won't ever get what I want. Yes that's right, he took that chance to get in a dig at me that I'm not good enough for him or that I'm not what he wants. Um ouch!
3. He doesn't think I have any reason to be depressed. again FUCK YOU!
4. AND the kicker, he started talking about when Missy comes to town and how we should all go out. I should really meet her cause he thinks we'd get along. How fucking delusional is this man! I fully intend to either be sick the whole weekend or taking a trip to Houston. Screw that noise.
By this point I was pretty upset, I didn't know what to do or say to anyone. I just feel like it's not fair. How can you so unabashedly judge me. You don't know me, sure we've been close, but he really doesn't know me. The whole proposition was a bunch of what if's, a way to distract me and make the afternoon go by faster. Instead he changed it to all about him, all about his ego, all about how it affects him.
In a bit of rebellion I told Clint about what was happening. First he actually listened, secondly he wasn't overly opinionated. He actually agreed with me that H was being a dick and very self serving of my situation. Now Clint isn't really one to judge in a situation like this, but he was honest in saying I needed to do what made me happy. He also thought it was rude that H had to take a dig at me not getting what I wanted. This was an interesting shift of events, considering he's been so self absorbed in all his lady issues lately.
I'm still peeved at H. It was out of line. The thing I need to keep reminding myself is that I have to make me happy. And if thinking about another deployment with J is what makes me happy then so be it. I have to quit worrying about what others think. I need to stop asking about what others think. It's just wearing me out. I'm worrying about me and only me. It might be a lonely week, but that's ok too.
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