There are several issues I need to confront, the biggest have to do with my parents. I realize they did the best they could with what they had, but it's still hard to let go and quit blaming them.
My mom didn't know what to do with having an 8 yr old who was fat. The family always ate together and always a balanced meal, however portion control was never enforced. I went on my first diet at age 9 through a nutritionist at a hospital. When I was 10 she put me on Weight Watchers. She tried to do the diets as well, but due to her own unhappiness the family would relapse into old ways. I know my dad never supported the diets and at the same time my sister was diagnosed with ulcers so her diet was restricted even more. Again, she did the best she could with what she had.
Growing up poor also made food a good motivator and reward system. I knew if I got all A's I would get my favorite meal and dessert that weekend. If I was sad or sick, again favorite meal and cookies. As I got into junior high my mom stopped trying to control what I ate. I've never been a big breakfast eater, so out of sheer exhaustion my mom let me eat treats and poptarts instead. I still love cookies or brownies for breakfast. These are habits so engrained in me I have no idea where to start or how to stop them.
I try to eat 2 good meals a day. Sometimes I even get in 3, but I really have to plan and concentrate. When I work a normal 12 hr day I only eat once, and it's all at night right before bed. Quite possibly the worst plan ever, but it works, kinda. I get up, grab a Starbucks and head out for the whole day. About 4pm as I'm winding down my inspections for the day I start to think about dinner. It makes me so happy to think about how I'm going to gorge all my calories at once. The high you get from sex is the same as you get from food. Lately I'd much rather have the food than worry about taking care of myself so the sex would follow.
Food has become more than a friend to me. It's truly an addiction in my life. I've only beaten it once before and it was a fleeting 18 months in 2005. I was on Weight Watchers, a strict exercise routine, and had very few worries/cares and an amazing support system. All weekend I've been trying to think of what motivated me back then, what made me so happy, what made me successful. I still don't have all the answers but I know it was somewhere inside me. I have to tap into that again. Tonight I start with 30 min of exercise. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
My 3 reasons to be stronger!
Saying Libby
Giving photo Auntie Kisses
Being such a big girl!
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