Afterwards H drove me home. We sat in front of my hotel for over an hour talking about everything. About how different we both are from each other and our third co-worker. How our maturity allows us to handle things differently and filters what stories we tell. How we don't need to tell details because we both know we've been there, done that.
Eventually the conversation turned to our mutual want of someone special to share our lives with. This is where we differ the most. He loves too easy, I don't love at all. He pulls you in, I push you away. Ultimately only we can decide what will make us happy, but I do know that my portion is not loving myself. This is something very difficult for me to deal with. I want to think that I love me just as I am, but why am still so self destructive. Why can't I just stop being fat? Why don't I want to work out, eat better, be happier and healthier? H hit it on the head when he said it's because I need to make it hard to love me, part of me self preserving my ego. This actually made me cry. Yep, me, crying, in front of a man! Terrifying, I'm still embarassed just thinking about it. He was very lovely about the whole situation, but it still struck a nerve.
Today I feel very raw about everything. I feel like a fake person when I'm at work and when I go home is the only time I'm me. I don't do anything but watch TV and sleep. I don't function because I don't have to. I put everything into my work day and when I get home I can't do it anymore. I feel like I'm not functioning unless I go out, even then I find myself being fake. Acting like I think I should, instead of how I want to. Being strong and supportive for others, when I want someone to do it for me. But how do I ask that? How do I stop being who I've always been?
CHEEEEEEEESSEEE!! Ultimate toddler bed head
I'm just a baby burrito! Oh Hi!
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