Depression

Yep that's a crappy word but it's where I am.  I've fallen pretty hard in the last couple days.  I know what my triggers are.  I knew it was happening, but I still can't pull myself out.  I canceled plans for today and am trying to commit myself everyday next week to meet with friends and family.  The sadness of it all is that I've thought of an excuse to cancel every single event.

I started struggling with depression 6 years ago.  Hurricane Katrina triggered post traumatic stress disorder and being hit and injured by a drunk driver during that time just piled it on.  I sought counseling a year after the events and after 6 months felt I had it under control.  I try to work on my issues as they come up.  Remain positive, push myself into an activity, be social, allow myself to feel and deal with emotions.

I'm a self proclaimed emotional robot so crying it out isn't me.  When I get to the point of tears it's not a good sign.  I've had 5 incidences of starting to cry at a movie and not being able to stop for hours.  I cannot stop the tears.  Sometimes I'm really sad and go with it, other times it's uncontrollable and I start laughing while crying.  It's very awkward, people don't know what to do, not even my mom.  I normally go into seclusion until I know the event is over.

Tonight I've hit the point of tears.  I'm not coping well with it.  I know tonight will be an insomnia night, again.  I hate feeling like I'm broken.  All I can hope for is feeling better tomorrow, instead of hiding in my bed.