Today was not a pleasant drive home. I was supposed to get my period over a week ago and it's not normal for me to be late. Not even by a day, and I have an app to track it, so I know these things. I tried not to worry too much about it, but then I started to do the math and thought, DAMN I really could be pregnant. I have an IUD so there's like a .002% chance it could happen, but that would totally be my luck. So for the first time ever, and I mean EVER, I bought a pregnancy test. Thank you sweet baby Jesus, Allah, Mohammad or whoever you worship that I am NOT pregnant.
As I was driving and trying to not obsess like an out of control crazy person I never once had a glimmer of happy about the whole situation. It was all doom and gloom in my head. My life would change 100% job, home, finance all of it different, none of it welcomed. Then I thought of the impact on Clint, he's so young and has such a bright future. I could not imagine what a hit his world would take. Again bless the makers of birth control and that I live in a country where I can freely purchase it.
As I imagined all the "what if?" scenarios I just kept shaking my head. I soooo don't want to tell my child that, yeah your dad and I just got drunk and had sex a couple times. I thought about marriage, because I think that would have been one of the only options. Clint and I have discussed it before, and agree kids are better with 2 parents, BUT that's only if it could work. With he and I, I'm not so sure that could happen; maybe but it would be so tough. So many sacrifices and tons of resentment towards each other, are not sound bricks to build a marriage out of. He and I both come from homes where our parents have never had a picture perfect marriage and divorce has been on the table more than once.
Tonight I go to bed with a clear mind and no baby in my uterus! I also know 100% that when I say I don't want children, I really, truly don't. I have 2 nieces and a nephew to fill that void. They will all be getting extra cuddles, hug, kisses and presents because Auntie isn't going to be a mommy!!
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