After mosts of the guest had left Chelsea's birthday it was just the immediate family and my sister's friend Katie. We were in the garage and my asshat of a father started arguing with me. He wouldn't let it go and pushed me way too far. I ended up getting up and leaving. I hate that I left, but I don't know what else to do when he behaves like that. The worst part is everyone else knew he was wrong but no one defended me. I really felt ganged up on and hurt that apparently I wasn't worth defending.
By the time I got home, the whole 1/10 of a mile drive, I was crying uncontrollably. I had embarrassed myself and slightly ruined the party. I apologized profusely to my sister, and thankfully she understood. Once I was home I couldn't stop crying. This doesn't happen a lot but when it does it's for a reason. I think I was having an anxiety attack.
What it breaks down to is too much family time in the last 2 weeks. They've all pushed me way too far. It's one thing to be ignorant to my feelings, it's a whole new ball game when they are simply ignored.
I'm tired of answering why I don't want babies. Yes I know I'm good with them, but that doesn't mean I want to sacrifice my life for one.
I'm lonely, I want to find love, but people, you have to stop harassing me about it and telling me how much you like when your husband's are gone. To me that's not what love is all about. I want the person I can't live without and don't want to be apart from.
Not one person asked me about my life, other than how long I would be home for and where I would be going next. This is the standard question I get asked but there's more to my life. Apparently I'm so dull no one wants to ask more.
I'm sure this all sounds super selfish as this wasn't my party and the focus wasn't supposed to be on me. But I'm also tired of being the doormat sister. I wanted to enjoy the party and not be a baby sitter. I spent more time playing with Chelsea and the twins than anyone else did. I get that parent's need time off, but come one. Handle yourselves better.
The worst part is that I'm struggling with feeling depressed. What was supposed to be 10 days of staycation has turned into me being a hermit. I don't want to leave my house or interact at all. My feelings of insecurity and unhappiness are becoming overwhelming. It's like I'm beating a dead horse with all of this but I cannot overcome it. I've been trying to make changes and push myself out of my comfort zone, but it's just not been enough. I keep relying on work to shake my life up, and instead I think Dallas set me back a ton. I'd really like to work at home/in the cities, but maybe going far away and with people I don't know would be a better option. I've got to do something to shake it all up.
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