Wordless Wednesday

My sweet baby girls today!

I have the weirdest cold known to man.  I have a cough and chest congestion, nasal drip and no voice.  I mean not a peep is coming out of me.  I keep trying and for a while this afternoon it sounded hopeful, but it seems to be gone again.  I'm trying all home remedies but none works for long.  I didn't even go to work today because it's pointless.  At some point I would have to make phone calls and it's just not worth it.  Instead I had a nice nap this morning, cleaned up my hotel room, and painted my nails.  I'm into my 2nd movie on TV and now I'm thinking another nap is in order.

I got a text about noon from H.  He is getting released on Friday.  This is a bit sooner than either of us thought but it's for the best really.  He's been working for 6 months straight and needs to go home.  He needs the rest, to reconnect with home.  As a typical man he can't see that.  All he's worried about is seeing me as much as possible before he leaves, and what he'll do about seeing Missy.  I'm trying to keep him focused on the positives of going home instead.  

Clint has been texting me all day about his lady problems.  They are really never ending and tend to make my day go by faster.  Today I'm just not really in the mood, but they seem to have taken a turn for the dramatic.  I'm sure I'll hear all about when I go to work.

The news about my job finally came and I wasn't selected.  I'm not sure who was chosen as the announcements hadn't been made yet.  I'm oddly ok with not being chosen.  I received really good feed back on my interview and have some slight tweaks to make for the next time.  Apparently I came across as a bit of a control freak, but that's what happens when you ask someone with OCD and a type A personality about organizational tasks.  I feel confident that just getting my name into the pool was a huge step.  I hope they decide to post another round of openings sooner rather than later.  I'd like to try again as I know better what to expect.

I really think it's nap time.  H is talking about coming over for some hot tub time tonight and I need to be somewhat alert to listen to him.  I can tell via his texts something else is bothering him, it's not just being released on his mind.  Here's hoping it's something I actually care to listen to.

That was a slap across the face

Elmo save me!

Today was just the worst.  I plastered a smile across my face all day.  I've got a horrible chest congestion that makes cough and I've lost my voice twice.  To top it all off I spent most of my afternoon obsessing about what could have been.  Please note I am as fake and happy at work as I can possibly be.  I do not need my coworkers thinking I'm a negative nelly.  I'm using this space to work out my issues.

So my Sue Bee brings up a fantastic what if question.  What if the guy I was sleeping with last fall, we'll call him J, was down here?  This was a fantastic distraction but opened up all kinds of cans of worms.  Let's dissect shall we!

1.  I would be oh so physically satisfied.  J and I asked very little of each other, besides having sex.  We'd have some casual conversation but nothing too deep or emotional.  Neither of us was looking for that.  Ours was a meeting for a mutual end.

2.  I doubt I'd still be as depressed as I am.  Having sex makes you happy, not dealing with emotions, makes me happy.  Sure I'd still be a bit self destructive but it doesn't bother me that much.

3.  I realize how much I've grown emotionally yet how stunted I still feel.  I've worked out so many of my issues, but I've uncovered even more.  I know I need to stop doing things that aren't good but sometimes it's just so fun.

So, as per my usual, I went to H's desk on my last break.  We were chatting and he finally asked me what was wrong.  So I shared my theory about having J in TX and how H and I would probably just be acquaintances.  This did not sit well with him and in my list making fashion I'll explain more.

1. His first thought was how would that make me feel better.  Sex is not the answer.  I retorted with yes sometimes it is.  He still disagrees.

2.  He also stated that just because I didn't get what I wanted with him doesn't mean I won't ever get what I want.  Yes that's right, he took that chance to get in a dig at me that I'm not good enough for him or that I'm not what he wants.  Um ouch!

3. He doesn't think I have any reason to be depressed.  again FUCK YOU!

4. AND the kicker, he started talking about when Missy comes to town and how we should all go out.  I should really meet her cause he thinks we'd get along.  How fucking delusional is this man!  I fully intend to either be sick the whole weekend or taking a trip to Houston.  Screw that noise.

By this point I was pretty upset, I didn't know what to do or say to anyone.  I just feel like it's not fair.  How can you so unabashedly judge me.  You don't know me, sure we've been close, but he really doesn't know me.  The whole proposition was a bunch of what if's, a way to distract me and make the afternoon go by faster.  Instead he changed it to all about him, all about his ego, all about how it affects him.

In a bit of rebellion I told Clint about what was happening.  First he actually listened, secondly he wasn't overly opinionated.  He actually agreed with me that H was being a dick and very self serving of my situation.  Now Clint isn't really one to judge in a situation like this, but he was honest in saying I needed to do what made me happy.  He also thought it was rude that H had to take a dig at me not getting what I wanted.   This was an interesting shift of events, considering he's been so self absorbed in all his lady issues lately.

I'm still peeved at H.  It was out of line.  The thing I need to keep reminding myself is that I have to make me happy.  And if thinking about another deployment with J is what makes me happy then so be it.  I have to quit worrying about what others think.  I need to stop asking about what others think.  It's just wearing me out.  I'm worrying about me and only me.  It might be a lonely week, but that's ok too.

dropping bombs

Yep, he made me cry

So last night did not go as planned.  It wasn't bad but it wasn't great either.  We didn't get to see the fight.  Every place we tried was standing room only.  We ended up at very empty Red Robin with the strangest waitress.  At least my meal was good and the beer was cold.

1st Bomb: we realized we weren't talking about each other but solely about others we work with.  The drama is fun to watch unfold, but the toll it's taking on me is not good.  I cannot listen to it anymore and I have to stop enabling it.

2nd Bomb: H told me Missy is coming for Memorial Day.  Oh joy!  He's excited and I'm jealous.  I think that'll be my last weekend in town so that fact that we don't get to spend it together is bothersome to me.  Now I'll have to be fake and watch them together.  I think I can plan on being "sick" that whole weekend.  I wish I could just get over my feelings for him.  I know it would never work between us yet I still have this tiny sliver of hope.  I need to crush it, yet I can't.  Instead I just have an insane amount of jealousy.  It's totally bummed me out and I hate having negative energy.

3rd Bomb: Clint basically told a girl that I don't much care for that I don't like her and told him to keep his distance.  It wasn't deliberate that he told her but she'll deduce that his information came from me.  It really didn't.  I had 2nd hand information that she was a bit crazy and based on our common FB friends I was going to keep my distance.  I can hardly wait to deal with her tomorrow.

4th Bomb: I had a massage today and it was great, but afterwards and still now I feel awful.  I've never had this experience before.  I was dizzy and lightheaded for almost 2 hours after.  I had eaten and drank water before I went to avoid this.  H and I went out to lunch and that helped, but I still feel pretty rough.  

I went shopping to try and cheer myself up but I just don't feel normal.  My energy is all off.  Clint has been texting me all day to go to his hotel pool and I just can't bring myself to do it.  I wouldn't be able to drink as I have to get back to my hotel somehow and I feel like I have nothing to say.  And I'm sure if I did say something it would be negative.  We talked on the phone earlier and in 20 min I said about 4 words.  I am so emotionally and physically drained.  I feel like I can't even begin to verbalize everything I want to say.  Even last night with H I couldn't bring myself to talk about anything.  I just let him ramble on about whatever.  I honestly couldn't tell you half of what he said to me.

I do know my depression has a lot to do with it.  All I want to do is scream pay attention to me, yet I can't and I know I won't.  I'll just let them keep using me as their outlet, I'll try to not absorb it but I will.    It affects me more than they know.  Everyone has a right to demand attention, but I'm worn out.  I cannot wait for PW in 10 days.  All attention on me and my babies and my family and my house!  It's nice to have that little glimmer of hope.

S A T U R D A Y HEY HEY

Do I not have 3 of the cutest babies in my life!  How can you not smile at these 3.

Today was an unremarkable day at work.  System conversion so that means a lot of nothing got done.  Sure the system I work was up but I decided in celebration of my 91st day of deployment I wouldn't do a damn thing.  I answered 10 calls and that's it.  I worked absolutely nothing and it was fantastic.

H is on his way to pick me up right now.  We are finally getting our "date" night.  I've been in need of one all week but things just haven't worked out.  I'm ready for a margarita and a good fight, hopefully we get to the bar before it's all over.

Eff U Friday

Babies First Bikes!

Happy baby is HAPPY

Today karma gave me a good back hand.  Not only is my mood not all that better, BUT my back went out right before lunch.  I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, and I've been trying to keep fit and avoid it but dang!  Thank goodness H has pain meds and helped me out this afternoon.  I would not have made it or I'd have been lying on the floor under my desk.

I realized that I need to change my perspective.  To remember that how I'm feeling does not need to dictate what I want out of life.  I have to keep surpressing my feelings, put on my happy face and just deal with it.  I asked around more today and no one has heard a peep about interview results.  The more chaos this creates for me the more I need to control things.  I've been cleaning anything and everything I can.  Last night it was my room and my bathroom, today it was my desk and H's pants.  I pick the lint off of them because mine have already been picked at.  It drives him nuts but bless him he allows my OCD to be out of control.

Tonight is taco night!  I cannot wait to go out and have some fun.  This week we are up to 20 people.  Should be a good time as long as I can sit down.  My massage on Sunday will not come fast enough..

Kickin' me while I'm down

Playing Dress Up

Today was going great until my ex decided to IM me.  I'm not sure if he did this will ill intentions but it certainly felt that way.  He told me he's been in Jacksonville training the newest group hired.  Um yeah I'm sorry that's my dream job.  I want to do that more than almost anything else in my career field.  The MF'er has zero intention of applying for the job I just interviewed for.  He's not even on the list to be developed!  I've been ready now for my job for 18 months with nothing!  LIVID does not even begin to describe how I feel.  I cannot get over the hurt I have.  He's offered to drop my name around the department but I just don't know about that.

I think what really bothers me is A- he's my ex, B- I know trainers who haven't even done that, C- he was just so braggy about it, D- I will always have an emotional attachment.  I have to try and keep my feelings out of it, but I cannot be happy for him.  I'm just hurt.  Why haven't my bosses gone to bat for me?  Are my bosses even going to bat for me?  Is this all worth it?  I'm missing playing with a strawberry and Elmo gone Mary had a little Lamb.  I'm 1000 miles away from everything I love and for what;  a handful of drunken nights out with some friends?

This is not helping the depression.  Nor is my period coming a week early or it being a nearly full moon.  They say you never have more than you can handle, but I will break pretty damn soon.  I feel bad for those around.  Clint's already acting like a kicked puppy and Heinz is truly at a loss for words.  I'm such an uber bitch I can't blame them, but I don't know what else to do.  I'm shutting down in every sense of the statement.

Unhappy Hump Day

Twin Powers, they got em

Oh Chels, I'm sure that's not a baby belly shirt.

Today was kind of crappy.  I won't lie and say I didn't make it that way because I did.  I went to bed a grump and woke up the same way.  I could not find my happy eyes to put on.  Everything was so incredibly annoying to me.  And I was still trying to find out why I'm sad.

I chose not to talk to Clint or H all morning and it seemed to help.  I realized I missed H when he mistakenly told me he was getting released.  Turns out he's not and will be around for awhile.  His boss is hoping for a couple months until they get the permanent reps settled in.  Clint, well, I hate to say it but I didn't miss his constant narration of all that happens to him.  I actually started to calm down when he stopped talking.  

This afternoon was better, but barely.  Annoying girl was exceptionally annoying but for whatever reason I was the only one tuning her out.  Every one around me was whining over IM and I just didn't give a damn.  Maybe that's my super power, tuning out the annoying.

In a weird twist I was talking to a friend about loyalty to our company.  I still have a lot and she has zero.  She and her husband have been through the ringer in our jobs and trying to find permanent positions in the zone.  They are going through upheaval again and aren't sure what to do.  At the same time we were chatting, my team helped a coworker celebrate 35 yrs.  WOWZA, she's worked my entire life at one place.  This is amazing to me, but then again I have in 13 years at the ripe at of 34.  She could easily be me, however I hope to be retiring at that time, instead of staring down 7 more years to pay for kids to go to college.

Tonight I finally relaxed.  Big Kitty is leaving for home tomorrow so we went out for a good bye dinner.  My jaw finally has unclenched, might have something to do with the most delicious pineapple mojito I drank.  It was nice company at a fantastic restaurant, something I was in need of.  A small group with civilized interaction.  No one was on their phone, or checking text messages or whining about a spouse.  It was just good fun.  Maybe tomorrow I can find less filled with rage eyes to wear to work.