First the boss has my work a report that's useless because he asked all the reps to complete/reply to it. Sooo I worked for 6 hours on something that took about 1. Then he said the reason he wanted me to do it was so I could discipline my peers. I need to learn about separating work and personal relationships. Ummm yeah, not so hard here. Not a one person in the office has my personal cell phone number, I don't socialize with any of them outside of work, and I just don't care what they think of me. I learned this lesson 2 years ago when I had a massive crush and almost had to fire him over an HR issue. So it was a work day wasted on a lesson I was already comfortable with.
The bad taste that project left in my mouth was then transferred to my personal relationships with people I do actually like. I know I was a huge debbie downer on Clint's last day, but he knows to take the good with the bad. He was quite sweet and tried to cheer me up as much as possible. At least he's finally checked out and leaving to go home. I'll miss not having him around all day, but it's for both of our own goods.
I talked to H today who reiterated Sue's point that I'm in love with Clint. He told me he was agreeing to get a rise out of me and it worked. When I asked him to explain why he thought that he couldn't. He just knew that we had become closer so he assumed it was going down that path. I guess when one believes in romance you can see it in others.
I talked to Sue the least today but it was by far the most intense. She tore me down, in a good way, but I'm still not quite recovered. It's really hard to admit things you don't want to see, or patterns that need to stop. But it's all there. I've been trying to live in my own bubble out here. Trying to be proud that I'm not involved with anyone who's in the office. I've succeeded for the most part, I solely hung out with Rick because he was single, hopeless, but still single. And in my attempt to have a connection with anyone I went back to the familiar of Clint.
The problem that everyone keeps stating is that I shouldn't be friends with any man that's in a relationship. Now this is where I have a problem, it's certainly easier said than done. I like having male friends, whether they are single or not. It does't matter to me. Once I put you in the friend zone, generally you stay there. With Clint it was always a what if for me, it shouldn't have been but it was. I'm not going to stop being his friend. I realize that I need to, but I can't. I need to stop using him as my crutch, as a back up boyfriend if you will. I have to accept that I'm not his first choice and find someone who is. I have to find singles to be around, but it's hard when every single person I know is a double.
Right now, after all of my conversations, I feel about 2 inches tall. I honestly feel like I'm the worst person in the world. Everyone finds it so easy to point out my flaws, yet it's taken me 3 weeks to get there. I honestly don't know that there's an answer as to what I do now. Crying is only making my eyes puffy.
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