Blindsighted, but only a little

This morning I went downtown for brunch with a great friend of mine, Dee.  We've known each other since we started at our company 13.5 yrs ago.  We became closer when she was doing the same job as me several years ago.  Now she's finally moved back to MN from TX and I couldn't be happier to have her back in the area.  Her husband and I still have the same job, but he's been deployed to New Orleans so no visit from Kevvy this time around.

After a delish shepherds pie but with breakfast foods, we decided to do some shopping.  I was sharing with her my recent weekend in MD and she called me out on some bad habits that I keep returning to.  I've never made it a secret that Clint is my type, but I've always kept what I thought was a safe distance due to him being in a relationship.  We've become close, so close that coworkers know we have a work marriage and refer to each of us respectively as hubby and wife.  Even not being in the same city we talk daily, whether it be text, IM or on the phone.  

Now I've never given it a second thought that our relationship was abnormal or could be construed as crossing a line.  When he invited me up for the weekend I took it as an opportunity to see my friend, get my party on with friends I know and can trust my drunk ass around and to be back in a "normal" city.  What I didn't plan on was our friendship crossing a line, but I was ok with it.  He's not faithful and I know that.  I did not initiate what happened nor did I stop it.  I'm as guilty as he is in the whole situation.  The morning after we were rudely awoken by Michael and didn't really have chance to discuss what had happened.  I didn't really need to talk about anything because well I just don't.  I'm not that girl.  I don't want to talk about things.  Over the last week we've both made some mention of what happened but that's mainly because we don't want others to find out.  It wouldn't be very good for either of us if too many people found out.  

Now here's where things got a bit interesting.  Dee called me out on falling back into my old habits of finding someone who's taken, having what I want from them, then trying not to fall for them.  I agree partially with what she said.  He is taken, I did get something I wanted but I don't feel like I'm falling for him.  He's 8 yrs younger than me, he wants marriage and kids, and he lives in NE.  She thinks he's bad for me and that I need to cut ties with him ASAP.  I absolutely know I deserve better than him and I will keep looking for better.  Unlike the last guy I fell for, I'm not putting any of my hopes and dreams in this one.  I feel like Clint is in my life to help me find what I want.  He's much more of my friend/male perspective and wingman than lover/booty call.  We could be sent to the same city tomorrow and nothing will happen.  We'd still hang out, drink beer, tell stories and make each other laugh and that would be it.  I can exercise self control and after all this thinking, I know I want him in my life rather than just another notch on my bedpost.

Sometimes sex is just sex, an ends to a means.  Sometimes you have sex when you're drunk and curious about someone who brags about their sexual prowess. (both of us are guilty, but I think we satisfied each other's curiosity)  Sometimes you make a bad choice, but you move on and stay focused on what matters most, in this case it's having a great guy friend in my life.