trade ins and taxes

Today I finalized all the details for trading in my truck.  I pick up my new Jeep on Saturday and scored a better deal than I thought.  My payments are decreasing by $150 and my insurance is cheaper as well.  This made me extremely happy.

While I was on my happy streak I thought, let's do the taxes.  Getting more money back is fun.  WRONG! For the first time ever I have to pay in.  It's only $30 to federal but still!  WAH, I like having a fat check in February.  Although it was nice to have my money when I went to New York this summer and around Christmas.  Oh well, it's better than what many others have to do.

Today I feel about the same as yesterday.  Not worse but not a whole lot better.  I'm taking that as a step forward.  Plus when you get cute pics like the ones below how can you be sad.

Horoscopes and Distractions

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

Put yourself in the service of someone or something else today. Step outside of yourself and put your own needs on the back burner. Right now you'll get a valuable life lesson if you put your efforts into something that is bigger than yourself or your lifestyle. Plus, helping to solve the problems of other people will help take your mind off of your own problems -- which is always nice, right? Distraction isn't always such a bad thing, especially if other people benefit from it.

Today I really did put myself in the service of someone else.  My friend Kati and I cleaned out her closet.  And I mean CLEANED!!!  Apparently purging her items made me feel better.  We had a great day of talking and cleaning.  She has a crazy family unit and really helped me deal with mine.  The photo only shows 1 of 3 piles!

I had a dinner and a movie date with my mom today.  I told her a little of how I'm feeling because I just don't know that telling her the full extent will help me feel better.  Turns out she had her own meltdown 2 weeks ago.  The parties involved have since apologized to her but it's hard to turn off the hurt and forgive.  Neither my mom or I are really forgive and forget people.

Today I just feel more like me.  I'm still sad and confused and really unsure about my feelings; but I have to keep moving forward.  Time heals all pain and I need to be patient.  I've only cried once today and that was due to a movie not because of how I felt.  I still have this weird hollow feeling in my chest.  That's something new and I hope to fill it with love for myself and friends.  They mean the world to me, they are my family!

Broken

I feel absolutely 100% broken today.  After spending the afternoon with my BFF and the kiddos I still feel no different.  They were a great distraction but I haven't been able to stop crying since I left.  I'm not sure why, I hate crying!  I just feel so weak and helpless right now.  I wish the pain and self loathing would go away.  I want to be ME again.

no helping

Today's activities have not made me feel any better.  I keep thinking that if I unclutter and clean out my house I will do the same with my life.  It's not working.  All I did was push all the contents of my garage into a corner hoping my dad keeps his promise to come take them.  I've been holding a fridge and shelves for 16 months under the premise he wants them for his shed.

My BFF tried to cheer me up but I'm just not to that point.  I don't want to wallow but it's all I feel I can do.

I've narrowed down my issues to the following:
finances -  my truck will be traded by this time next week, I am not happy about this.  My otherwise impending debt will be paid down in the next 2 years, it's just a matter of going back to work earning per diem and overtime.
my family - I've felt for a while like I'm not as important as my sister's new family unit.  I don't bring a son in law for my parents to fawn over so I'm often not invited.  Or when I am I'm a 5th wheel who has little to contribute.  Part of me realizing this depression was that I avoid going out with my family.
my lack of love life - I realized that I'm no one's first choice except for me.  I never thought I would still be single at this point and am at a loss.  Dating web sites have provided no luck, I've no desire to meet someone at a bar, work is not a good idea either.  The only guy I like is 1,000 miles away and I'm pretty sure is clueless that I like him
my weight - this is part of the love situation.  I need to stop being the fat girl, but cannot find that motivation.  I know what works for me but I don't want to.   For a type a, control freak, perfectionist being fat should not be my problem.  Except it is, big time.

I hope tomorrow is better.  I'm going to see the BFF and the twins.  Maybe my littlest boyfriend will tell me I'm pretty again.

Depression

Yep that's a crappy word but it's where I am.  I've fallen pretty hard in the last couple days.  I know what my triggers are.  I knew it was happening, but I still can't pull myself out.  I canceled plans for today and am trying to commit myself everyday next week to meet with friends and family.  The sadness of it all is that I've thought of an excuse to cancel every single event.

I started struggling with depression 6 years ago.  Hurricane Katrina triggered post traumatic stress disorder and being hit and injured by a drunk driver during that time just piled it on.  I sought counseling a year after the events and after 6 months felt I had it under control.  I try to work on my issues as they come up.  Remain positive, push myself into an activity, be social, allow myself to feel and deal with emotions.

I'm a self proclaimed emotional robot so crying it out isn't me.  When I get to the point of tears it's not a good sign.  I've had 5 incidences of starting to cry at a movie and not being able to stop for hours.  I cannot stop the tears.  Sometimes I'm really sad and go with it, other times it's uncontrollable and I start laughing while crying.  It's very awkward, people don't know what to do, not even my mom.  I normally go into seclusion until I know the event is over.

Tonight I've hit the point of tears.  I'm not coping well with it.  I know tonight will be an insomnia night, again.  I hate feeling like I'm broken.  All I can hope for is feeling better tomorrow, instead of hiding in my bed.

YUCK

Today was not the most fun.  I finally had all the info to figure out my finances.  Turns out I'm in debt way deeper than I thought.  I need a miraculous amount of money to pull me out.  Instead I will chip away at it as fast as I can.

Trading in my truck is the first step.  I am so so so torn over this.  I love my truck, however I hate my monthly payment and the gas!  Nothing is ever going to be good enough, unless I can afford the Lexus SUV I am lusting after.  So instead I test drove a small SUV and I didn't loathe it.  It's in my price range and it's got all the bells and whistles minus a sunroof.  I'm not crazy about no roof, but broke is as broke does/can afford.

Tomorrow will consist of phone calls to the credit union and bargaining with the car dealer.  I've found the exact same vehicle for almost $2k less, but I don't want to purchase from a dealer in the cities.  I'm hoping for a bit of a reduction.

In other yucky news I realized my mom doesn't talk to me unless it concerns my niece.  This finally dawned on me this morning reading an email from her.  She doesn't even put up false pretense to ask me how I am or what I have planned, it was straight to her visit with her granddaughter, who lives 1/2 mile away from me.  This really really bothers me.  My mom and I have always been close but this baby is her only focus.  I'm not sure why she's so obsessed.  It's not like Chelsea's going anywhere.  My sister invited me down as well but I just couldn't bear it.  My mom is not normal when she's near that baby.  I really want to baby-shake her!

Instead of going to visit I chose to stay home and watch Big Bang.  Oh Sheldon in lederhosen!

Office Fun

Soooooo I woke up with the worst migraine this morning.  I finally felt better at 9:30 and realized how late I was going to be for my work training.  Thankfully my boss is super awesome and I didn't really miss much by arriving at lunch.  Plus my old boss was there and caught me up in about 15 min.

After spending 6 hours in the office with various meetings and conference calls I got to battle rush hour traffic home.  Anyone who lives south of the river WHY~  Traffic was atrocious!  People generally not paying attention, texting, talking on the phone, and just pissing me off.  I finally arrived at Target and as usual managed to spend $100.  Thank you sissy for your discount card!


        I found as I was walking around that I was bored.  I knew I didn't need anything that wasn't on my list.  Plus I wanted to stay within my budget for the month and to keep my resolution of not taking in any new debt.  I was so good.  The only luxuries I bought were some new cupcake spatulas (I've ruined 2 in as many days), a $2 cupcake rug to match one I already have and a new nail polish for $4 (it was on my list).  I'm proud of myself, 6 more days in the month and I'm well below my spending plan.  I hope to have all my credit card debt paid off by year's end.  This is a lofty goal but based on my per diem and overtime from  last year I should be able to do that and sock some away for a trip.