You shouldn't cry at Hooters

When I told H he could pick a restaurant last night I should have known it would be Hooters.  He's wanted wings for almost two weeks now.  What I didn't expect was to be sitting there surrounded by men and cute young thing waitresses wiping away tears.

H and I broke down some more of my barriers last night.  I told him all about my daddy issues.  How I stopped relying on a man who was never there when I was 12 yrs old singing a solo at my schools spring concert.  How I lived with a man who expected perfection and I now do the same.  It's amazing how much I am my father's daughter.  It's quite scary as I think I'm living the life he would have if he'd never met my mom.

The other big issue we tackled is how I can enjoy being in power.  How much I love to have control and be able to tell others how I want things done.  The joy and exhileration I get feeds my ego more than almost anything.  He find this very very ugly.  He doesn't understand.  He finds it belittling and petty.

There is a lot of comparison to his boss that he just left and myself.  I'm constantly told I'm the younger version of her.  This upsets me as I don't think I'm as mean as she is.  She exercises her authority in a very unjudicious way.  H found it horribly upsetting and I feel he's comparing us apples to apples when I think we are more apple to pear.

The only thing I could compare this to in his life is how selfish I think he is when he tells me I live in his world.  He didn't see the correlation.  He doesn't believe it's selfish, he finds it self preserving.  When I told him that's how I feel about being in control he couldn't believe it.  We both find our strengths very unappealing.

It felt good to get a lot of this out and in the open to him.  There's still a whole nother dark side to me that he doesn't know, that I refuse to show him.  Only my BFF and Sue-bee truly get my self destructive behavior.  I don't know if I can even really explain it to him.  It goes so much deeper than a girl who makes bad sexual choices and can't control her eating.  I don't think he's ready to see my dark and twisty side.  At least not yet.

Seriously

The closer it gets to going home the crabbier I am getting. Today Clint accosted me with stories before I even got to work. He kept it up all day. I'm seriously worn out. I wish I had double sided headphones so I could drown him out more.

Then H starts in on the very minute amount of nerves I have. I asked him to pick me up after work at 7 and he had the audacity to tell me to remind him!!! It was 4 on when I asked so let's do that math shall we? I just stopped responding and at 6:30 he texted if 7:45 was good. I'm still waiting for him to get here and have to consciously remind myself to unclench my teeth.

I'm trying to be a good friend but my patience is being tested. I can tell its time to go home. I've hit my my capacity in dealing with people and their bullshit. I'm hoping for a nice evening out with lots of beer to help me relax a bit more. If I don't someone needs to start saying prayers for those sitting near me tomorrow.

Pinterest Wisdom

Today I don't really have any words, but I'd like to share some that have been inspiring to me.  Thank goodness for Pinterest, it really does help me work through what's troubling.  There's always a quote to make me feel better, or aptly describe what I can't say.

Happy Mother's Day

I may never be a mom and I'm ok with that.  I have some of the best mom's in my life.  2 of them gave me the 3 most precious little people in my life.  I cannot wait to get home next weekend and celebrate with them.

Epiphany Vs Revelation

epiphany is from an inside force.
revelation is from an outside force.

I've had both today.  It's been a very enlightening.  I was discussing the events of some texting with H to my BFF and it very suddenly dawned on me he behaves like my dad.  These are not traits I find attractive either.  It's some of the things that make me dislike my father so much.  I cannot stand when others don't value your time, won't commit to something because they are waiting for something better to come along, and who are late once they finally decide your idea is worth their time.  It's all very disrespectful to me.

I called my mom and told her and she emphatically agreed.  H angers me just like my dad does to my mom.  The craziest thing is that I am so like my dad, with the exception of those 3 traits.  My mom also pointed out that most women are attracted to men like their fathers.  Again this is fascinating because my first thought when meeting H was how masculine he seemed.  I was in need of someone new in my life at that time, and he was so opposite of everyone I had been spending time with.  Crazy how that probably wasn't it at all, yet I cannot nail down what the attraction was.  He's nothing and everything like my dad.

All of this is a lot to take in.  I'm not sure how to react or if I even need to react.  I certainly know how to better handle him, although I've been doing it for a long time.  I try to ignore him or try not to react to him.  Feeding the ego really does make it worse.   Funny how hindsight is 20/20, I wish I had known this 100 days ago.  This deployment would have been so much smoother.

Maybe my lesson here is to get back to basics.  I need to focus on the actual things bothering me and not try to blame it on everything else.

You mean you've never seen a flashing strawberry before?

Oh ya know, just laying here being cute and stuff.

F it Friday

I see you Auntie 

Today was nothing to write home about.  I struggled to talk all day.  I did as little work as possible, which lead to everyone whining to me.  I am so over being everyone else's sounding board.  Do not mistake me being mute for me actually caring!

Today was H's last day at work and of course he couldn't go out without a fight.  His TM is a beast, there's no nice way to say it and she made sure he knew she was in charge.  He had to stay until almost 5pm, which is not normal.  When you get released you get to go early, everyone knows that.  Not the queen of the power trip.  She even got on him for not working, when he was helping his mentee.  I'm happy he's checked out and has some freedom.

What I'm unhappy about is that he canceled his flight home tonight.  I'm still not sure why, but now he's flying home tomorrow and won't be back until late Monday afternoon.  This change in plans at a very late hour led to some scrambling about what to do tonight.  Clint, Anne and I had zero plans and we were all very happy with that.  H apparently wasn't.  He went all martyr on us and expected us to drop our plans and schedule our night around him.  I was happy to oblige but he couldn't tell me one single thing he wanted to do!  I guarantee he goes to the strip club tonight.  

I think what bugs me the most is I feel like he's trying to sabotage his goodbye in an attempt to make it easier.  I know I've done it in the past, if you make someone mad at you it's easier to say goodbye.  As much as he doesn't want to admit it, he'd going to miss a lot of the aspects of work.  With him being an independent contractor you never no when work will come again.  He will never admit he wanted today to be all about him, and it wasn't.  It was a normal Friday for the rest of us.  Sure I'm sad he's leaving BUT he'll be here all next week.  I can see him every night after work, although I know he's going to play hard to get.  I hope he keeps our date on Wed night, if not, well that could be the straw that breaks the camels back.

I've been having this very odd feeling like this could be the last time I see him.  I know that's weird but it's how I feel.  I think we'll keep in touch for a while, but it fades.  It always does.  He wants his next deployment back to Dallas, I want mine in MN.  Our lives will go different ways and I'm not sure how vested we are to each other.  I've intentionally been pulling away from him and sharing less and it's not affected me all that much.  I don't think he's even noticed, he just fills my silence with more focus on him.  Ego feeding seems to win so much more than I do.  It's as if I've prepared myself for the break up.

 Baby hussy toes, there is nothing cuter

In 6 sleeps I will be home.  Right now it feels like an eternity.  I cannot wait, mom and lil hussy toes are picking up and I'm so excited.  I cannot wait to be surrounded by everyone and everything I love.

Today was another thrilling day of staying home.  I had to give a presentation at 5 and thank goodness my voice held up.  It wasn't strong and it cracked like a teenage boy, but I made it through.  The only other exciting thing was a quick trip to Target for ingredients to make bars for H's last day.  It's been almost a year since we met and I've never baked anything for him.  This is so unheard of for me, so he gets Special K bars for work.  I'm not even in his dept but feel like I owe it to him and his coworkers.

Last night we had dinner together and I realized how critical me being able to talk is.  He repeated the same 3 topics about 3 times each.  2 I'm not overly joyed to talk about and he could tell.  On the way home he kept looking at me and asking if I was aggravated.  It was hard for me to hide it, but I did my best.  I'm almost a little relieved H is leaving.  I feel like I'm slowly getting back to being me.

I've learned a lot from him and how to be "in a relationship" but it's been tough.  I do NOT handle emotions well which is such a crucial part of being "in a relationship".  I hope to one day find someone who doesn't make it so hard.  Who can answer me with no lies and accept the same from me.  Who makes emotions easy to deal with and not such a roller coaster.  Maybe I'm just delusional about the whole thing.  Either way it's been nice to have someone special in my life.