I'm feeling very torn about a lot of things lately. I don't really know where to start or even how to explain it all. My normal response is to shove it all down and pretend it doesn't exist, but I've done that for too long. I started a new path in Dec when I took my job and I need to stop doing all the bad things in my life. I keep hoping that if I get it out here it'll help me cope. So far I just feel a bit confused so I'll try purging it all again.
1. Feeling used and abused: I like to help and offer support but I have my limits. I will not feel guilty for choosing me. I'm all I have and I need to be happy and healthy. Guilt trips can be saved for someone else, the only trip I want to take is to a beach!
2. How important is love to me? This sounds super silly but I really don't know anymore. I feel like I've told myself for so long that I don't need anyone that I'm not really sure I believe that. I can take care of myself but I wonder, how nice it is to have someone to rely on? to have someone who wants to be there to help and simply make me happy? I need to stop kidding myself and put it out to the universe that I do believe in love and that I want to find it sooner rather than later. I'm still unsure about thoughts on marriage and I can still confirm it's a big no on kids. Baby steps right?
3. Fearing that Clint is my one and we've just screwed it all up. I realize there's less than a 1% chance this is true, but something about him has been nagging at me. He's already moved into a new relationship (even though he denies it) and I can't help but be jealous. Between age and distance I know deep down it's not right, but something in my optimistic love happy left brain wants it to work. It's hard to accept unrequited love and to move on and pursue something new.
4. Feeling that I'm missing out on job opportunities. The manager who hadn't hired me in the past for my dream job is retiring. This is huge news and should shake up and wake up that dept. However I need to decide if I'm trying to open a door that I should leave sealed shut. The fact that I even think that makes me know it's true. I just have to stay strong, start my continuing ed again and just move forward.
5. Dealing with the emotional damage caused by my childhood. There's a lot of hurt and resentment that comes up every time I attempt to lose weight. No one is perfect and I need to accept my mom did the best she could, but it's just so hard. She's apologized time and time again, yet I still can't let it go. I've read all kinds of articles and theories on how to let it go and move on, but none have been successful for me. I'm really stuck on this one because no one I know (besides my sister) can truly relate.
6. I need to accept that who and what I am is good enough. I need to stop trying to measure up with other people. I need to only be the best me that I can, not someone else's version of me. I also need to deal with other's perception of me may not be changing as quickly or as often as I am changing. I'm not the same person I was 5 yrs ago, shoot not even 5 months ago. I cannot try to conform back to a person or personality that they want me to still be.
I thought getting this out would make me feel better, but so far I don't. Maybe a good night's sleep and a couple shots of tequila will help.
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