Not so funday Sunday

Sliding is FUN!

BooBoo and her Alfie!

Today I took to my bed.  I couldn't sleep when I got home last night so I stayed up and watched more Weeds until 3am.  That resulted in me sleeping until noon and then not getting out of bed until 4pm.  It was 80 and sunny out today and wanted none of it.  I got on Facebook and was reminded it was my ex's birthday.  So I was kind and sent him a post, THEN I saw he'd also proposed.  Insert giant punch to the gut.  I should be happy for him, but all I can think is why wasn't I good enough?  I know he's not my "one", but the rejection still stings.  It's bothered me all day and I really can't shake it.

Last night I was discussing with the guys how they met their wives.  Every single one of them had really cute stories.  Matt, in particular, shared that after 6 yrs of not dating he decided he was ready for a commitment and 2 weeks later met his wife through a mutual friend.  This has stuck with me all day.  I think I'm ready to date to have a boyfriend and then someone says something like that to me.  It makes me think I'm still not ready.  Commitment is a word that scares me and I'm about 55% open to it.  I'm getting better at it, but it still scares me.

Sue and I have been talking about this tonight via text.  Last night all I could think about was H and how he was my person.  He's the one who picks me up, takes me out, takes me home, makes sure I'm ok, gets my drinks etc.  He's my person and I was his.  I did the planning, the picking, the arranging and reserving.  I miss our non-romantical relationship.  We filled a void for each other.  Now I'm struggling with how to find someone who can meet all my needs and how I want to be in a relationship.  I think H brought me up to my 55% readiness for commitment.  I need to work on the remaining 45% by actually jumping in.  I need to cope with the rest of the package.  How to balance work, life, sex, emotions etc.  I thought I needed to be in control when I'm with someone, but H showed me that I don't.  If I'm happy and feeling taking care of I can go with the flow.  I still need to be heard and validated, but I lose my need to control every single detail.  Clint has also been a big part of that.  My trip to MD proved it to me again.  I didn't coordinate anything and had the best time.  I only had to worry about my prep and getting myself up there, the rest he handled.  Now I'm looking forward to getting home and having him come up to visit me.  I get to be the planner this time around, it's a good thing he's always up to go with the flow.

Now it's time to watch some football.  At half time my Packers are winning, which hasn't been expected.  I'm super excited and I hope this momentum carries into the second half.  GO PACK GO!!