There were signs

I should have seen the depression coming back.  The signs were all there, thumping me down all the way.    I haven't slept well in about a week, my self depreciating humor and self destructive tendencies were rising, and overall sad was creeping to the front of my brain.

Tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Right before I left work I realized it.  I was trying to force it away, but it won't.  I have to deal with it.  Tonight I've cooked, baked brownies and am doing laundry.  I was hoping acting domesticated would help.  It's not.  Instead I'm cursing the asshole who took all the washers so now I'll be up until midnight drying my clothes.

I'm not sure if there was any trigger, but Sue Bee thinks it's H.  Sure he's a part of it, but this time I think I've been working so hard on being untrue to myself to "fit in" that I'm coming apart at the seams.  He's the one person I'm 100% honest with, granted I may avoid certain subjects with him, I've never directly bold face lied to him.

I'm also very tired.  Friday will be 90 days in TX and I have 30 more to go.  Our work is twindling yet the need to keep us all seems very prominent.  I'm bored all the time, which makes my mind wander.  I want to be home with my 3 little people.  I want my friends and family.  I want my own bed.  Instead I try to think of a website I can safely surf at work or online window shop.  I fill those carts up but never click purchase, I need more clothes and shoes like I need another hole in my head.

I worry about my interview.  What if I don't get the call this week with a new salary offer?  What if I wasn't good enough, then what?  My boss and I have a plan laid out, but it's still going to be hard to take.

I worry about turning 35.  I'm starting to finally feel my age.  I don't look it, which is nice, but I sure as heck feel it.  I can only hang out with 25 yr olds for so long before I have to tap out and stay in. I'm starting to notice a generation gap, I shake my head at their loose morals and even looser work ethic.  Does no one value working hard anymore?

I'm also trying to come to terms with my body and who I am.  I know deep down I could offer some guy the world if only they would see past my fat.  No one does though.  Society trains us to look for the most desirable mate, and I know fat girl is not desirable.  I need to change but the motivation is so extremely lacking.  Staying fat is a great guard against being hurt.  Yet it also defeats all the work I do on trying to find a healthy relationship and avoid the guys who are bad for me and part of my past.  I have to stop my self destructive tendencies, yet eating is the one I refuse to give up.  I cannot deal with food as simply fuel for my body.  Food is my everything and it has become apparent to me it's my kryptonite.  The one thing that can derail me faster than you can blink.

Maybe I need to think harder about losing weight and less about being nice to people I don't like.  Maybe it's time to go back to thinking only about me.  I talk to everyone else about situational friendships so why am I investing in several.  It's time to get selfish and worry about only me.  Only I can fix my brain.

Shenanigans

Obvious

Again with my absence, but dang it's been a rough couple days.

Friday Night

Good times had by all. Good food, no feuds, lots of mariachi singing.

Worst part of the night happened while I was waiting to pee.  One of the guys we were with came out of the bathroom with his girlfriend.  His excuse, there was a wait.  Ummmmmm no there wasn't because H and I walked together and he went right in.  Sooo grossed out, especially since he's got a wife and kids and finds nothing wrong taking his girlfriend out!  With co-workers!  Ballsy doesn't begin to describe this guy.

Another oddity was how possessive H got.  Whenever we are in a group over 6 he gets very handsy.  It's not bad, but it's a fine line of confusing vs just being sweet.  It's very much his latin machismo kicking in because he doesn't think any of his co-workers are good enough for me.  Thankfully I was drinking and I'm sure I did it right back without too much care or concern.

And yet another oddity was on the way back to my hotel.  Missy called and he answered through his truck radio thingy.  Anyways he was very honest and told her what he was doing and that I was in the truck.  She seemed ok with it, but who knows.  After he hung up he wanted to discuss their relationship.  Um No!  and for once I said exactly that.  He was a bit hurt and asked why, I had to say it's not something I'm comfortable discussing with him.  He was even more hurt but finally dropped it.  I hope he understands this is a boundary I needed to set.

Saturday morning was rough.  3.5 hours of sleep and starting an earlier shift do not mix with me still being drunk.  I got into the office and almost immediately threw up.  This happened 3 more times in the hour and I knew something was wrong.  I'm not a puker when I drink, if I am it's immediately when I get home.  I went home and stayed in bed for 8 hours.  I had dry heaves, was dizzy and nauseated most of the day.

I woke up Sunday feeling great.  Hungry and ready to tackle a day by the pool.  I was sober cab and that was just fine with everyone else.  We had a great Sunday Funday.  I have some color back in my face and needed the fresh air.  H came over after work and hung out.  Again he started in with the protective vibe.  I'm not really sure why as he knew everyone with the exception of Anne.  She's a friend of Clint's and of zero interest to either of us.  She's married and has a 3 yo daughter.  We ended up hanging out until much too late, but it was a nice evening.

Today at work was a typical Monday, except H and Clint both got sick with what I had.  I know on Friday night I ate off of both of their forks.  Ooops.  I feel so bad.  Clint has texted saying he feels better after some serious sleep.  I've not head from H since 3pm when he left work.  I'm hoping he's still sleeping if off.  His bright idea was to go to the gym sauna and sweat it all out.  Yeah you were so dizzy you had to sit down on my desk, a sauna is a GREAT idea.  If he's not at work tomorrow then we have a problem, but I'm sure he will be.  He's resilient and needs the money.

The final kicker of my weekend is when I fell on Friday night.  I have no idea what happened but I slammed straight down on my right knee.  H has witnessed this twice and he can't even tell me how I do it.  I just fall, straight down!  There's no stumbling no tripping just straight DOWN!  So now I have a nasty jean burn on my knee, a killer bruise, and extreme pain.  I cannot bend my knee to even sit cross legged.  I screamed on Saturday night when I forgot and tried.  I'm going to ice it up again tonight and hope it's just a severe nerve bruise.

So that summizes my weekend of shit shows and shenanigans!  I'm off to an early bedtime in attempts of feeling really good tomorrow and getting all my chores done.

Never Let Go Giraffe, Never Let Go!

Friday is finally here.  The good news is that I switch to new hours tomorrow, 8-7 baby.  I'm so excited to get some of my evening back.  I'll be outside when the sun is shining.  I might even be able to get a walk outdoors every now and then.

I'm also very excited to go out tonight.  I've been looking forward to beer and tacos all week long.  It was so good last week.  I'm a bit concerned about the company I'll be in, but I'll still be able to be myself.  Minor censorship will apply, but that's ok.  I can be good.  I know a majority of the group will be leaving between 9:30-10 to go to a country bar dancing, me and my boys are not going.  That's not really our scene and 2 of the most annoying girls in this office will be there.  So even more motivation to keep it low key.  I'm trying to keep a very open mind about the events as I don't want to be biased before I even get there.

I'm sure tomorrow will be filled with all kinds of gossip and rumors.  I can hardly wait!

Catching Up

Indiana Jones + T-Rex                                                  She's so over Clothes

Hey Guuuuurrlllll

Tuesday: travel day, interview prep and dinner with the Haddocks.  Overall a good day

Wednesday: interview day.  I did really really well, or at least I think I did.  I left feeling great and knowing I have a great chance of getting hired.  If I don't I'm sure I'll have great feedback as to what to do better next time.  I hope there isn't a next time though.  I really really want this job!

Today I got my yearly performance review.  I got a great raise!  I'm so pleased as this is 2 years running.  I'm a freaking rock star.

A lot of today was trying not to kill my mentee.  The guy honestly thought he was having too much tax taken out of his paycheck and wanted to call HR to rectify it.  Ummmmmmmm NO!  I fear this kid will get fired for one of many things.  A- he's an idiot, B-he has a major temper, C-sexual harassment, D-HR violation.  He tends to overstep our boss all the time because his mom is also a manager.  It's no excuse for how he behaves though.

The other big buzz about the office was going out tonight.  A lot of the adjusters were heading out to Cool River for a birthday celebration and to say goodbye to those leaving tomorrow.  I chose not to go. I was begged by several to go, but I just knew I wouldn't behave.  Sometimes I just know these things about myself.  I want to be able to go out tomorrow and have fun.  And enjoy my weekend, Clint and I have big plans to drink beer by the pool!

The last issue I've been having is dealing with H.  I want to work on keeping our relationship as platonic as possible.  A little flirting here and there is ok, but anything more is crossing a line and jeopardizing our friendship.  We have agreed to stop talking about relationships with each other.  I don't need to know about his girl in TN and I don't share who I find attractive in the office.  It's working well, however, I don't know how to respond to some of his flirting.  He likes a physical touch, so we are regularly touching or he's holding my hand or his arm is around my chair.  Today I think he was trying to be romantic/nice/intimate and had his hand on mine and was stroking his thumb across the back of my hand.  I was totally oblivious.  I knew he was doing it but why, well I didn't care.  I was too busy telling my story.  As I talked to my Sue-Bee about it, she pointed out that I need to be more aware.  I need to step back and let someone be nice to me.  I don't have to be always so defensive.  At work I'm always working on self awareness in conversations, in relationships I need to be self aware of romance.  I'm so clueless sometimes.

Bigger and Nicer in Texas

Today I had to find an orthodontist to have my wires trimmed off my top teeth.  I had a new wire and chains put on last week and the excess is putting a hole in my cheek.  I found an ortho near my office and she was THE nicest woman.  Trimmed me up and ground down what was left.  I feel like I have a new mouth.  The hole in my cheek is already healing up.  This is good considering all the talking I'll be doing the next 2 days.

It was an average Monday at work today, except I think all the boys got 3 days worth of talking into one day.  MAN they all had a lot to say and I'm the best captive audience they could find.  Actually I think I'm the best secret keeper and I don't judge.  I've made some really bad decisions in my time so it's all fair game to me.

One of the main ideas surrounding today was situational friends.  This job forces us into places and with people we'd never normally encounter or befriend.  Today this became evidently clear with a recent acquaintance.  It would appear he's been betraying others and I'm so not cool with that.  He has short man syndrome or a Napoleon Complex, whatever you want to call it.  He's mean and always feels someone owes him something.  I do not enjoy this mentality and have been avoiding as much interaction with him as possible.  The negativity he exudes is very off-putting.  He wants to claim he's all hipster and left wing and mother earth, but really he's another douchey hipster trying to be ironic.  I'm sure he thinks I'm a suck up northern bitch, but I'm OK with that.  Our karma together is not good.

The other weirdness of today is H telling me that he compares his relationship with Missy to the one he has with me, except we've not had any romantic encounters.  He said this after I asked if he had started talking to her about not being in a relationship.  His response is that he's dropping hints, but he's planning on going to Memphis to visit after he's released or flying her to Dallas to hang out another weekend.  Ummmmmmm  in almost the same breath he alludes that my companionship means a lot to him and that it's not quite the same as Missy, then gives me weird flirty eyebrows.  Um what the hell.  I've never ever once given him any indication that I want a physical relationship with him.  The closest I got was Friday night when we were out.  In between bars we were waiting for Don and Becky to get out of their car.  I was standing behind him and gave him a hug and rested my head on his shoulder/back.  He was holding my hands across his chest.  We stood like this for a while talking and that was about it.  Just so ultimately confused about the whole situation.  I really wish I could just be making this all up in my head and reading into things too much, but I'm not.  I swear it really did happen.  That awkward moment of maybe if we make out I can have more or we can be more or maybe I just want to make out with you.  Stupid freaking men.

I'm pushing this all out of my mind until Wed when I get back from my interview.  Until then it's all about the questions!  I'm excited to get back to corporate tomorrow to have dinner with some great friends and shop at Von Maur!  Momma wants some new shoes.

Errands and other miscellaneous stuff

Girlfriend loves some Frozen Planet (and cuddles)

Irony is lost on Alfie

Today I spent most of the day running around.  Got a pedicure, cupcakes, made some returns and did a little shopping.  I also went to the office and delivered some cupcakes cause I'm a good non girlfriend like that.  Since I've been home, I've made a snack, done my laundry and my nails.  I'm tired but it's all good.  I got 12 hours of sleep last night so I felt brand new this morning.  I should be working on interview stuff but I just can't.  I'm much better at cramming so it can wait until tomorrow, or Tuesday if I'm being perfectly honest.

Yesterday I spent some time researching a vacation for my birthday.  Mom doesn't want to go to Vegas so we are thinking a beach somewhere.  I think Key West is calling our name.  I've found some great resorts but of course they are all outrageously priced.  Although with at least 3 of us going it could be ok.  I'm going to look into California as well.  I just love a beach!  Maybe a cruise?  That could be good fun.  I'm really looking for some place that involves water and sunshine!

My mom also informed that in 2 years for her 60th birthday she wants to go to Bali or the Gold Coast of Australia.  My mom has no clue where Bali is or what there is to do there.  She just knows it's pretty.  Mom, I love you but I'm not flying 26 hours to a 3rd world country to what I consider to be a lovers vacation.  I informed her of this but I still don't think I've swayed her opinion.  I can deal with Australia, that's on my list of spots to go as well.

After painting my nails today I feel very weird.  I went with a brighter pink on my toes.  It's a color I own and quite like, but bright polish on me is just so foreign.  On my fingers I had to go out and buy a new polish.  I decided my normal dark/goth polish is just not suitable for an interview.  Baby/light pink is just so weird.  It's not distracting, which is what I was going for.  I feel like my hands are naked, but I cannot go without polish.  It's against my non denominational religion.

I cannot believe how late it currently is.  I think it's time for another snack/dinner then bed.  I have to curl my hair tomorrow to see if it's interview appropriate or not.  This process will take me an extra 20 min in the morning and I love sleep.

Rough

Napping is tough!

I've had a rough 36 hours.  Yesterday's mock interview was a disaster.  I was super upset afterwards and only cared about getting drunk.  Thank goodness H came through for me.  We went out with his friend Becky and her husband Don.  What a great time.  They are closer to H's age, so no drama, no one monopolizing the conversation, no talking about work.  Just good fun.  My face hurts from laughing so hard.  We had an amazing dinner at this random mexican restaurant, complete with mariachi band.  Then we hit a bar in downtown Grapevine.  The highlights include a dancing grandpa, a woman who we still are unsure about the actual gender, and a girl with the mange/a mane.   I cannot wait to do it all again next Friday night.

Today was one rough hangover.  Thankfully I recovered fast and Don brought Becky extra breakfast tacos.  I took a nap at lunch and finally felt pretty good.  Now I've had dinner and am thinking bedtime is right around the corner.

As for the interview,  I felt pretty chewed up and spit out.  This morning looking back I have some good take aways to help me along.  Tomorrow I'll be revising and reviewing again.  I have to remember one opinion is just one opinion.  I have to trust my gut on how I handle myself.  If I don't succeed this time around then I'll work on trying it someone else's way.  If I fail, I want it to be on my own terms first.  My secret though, I'm not going to fail.  1 of those 8 jobs are MINE!